PRANK WENT WRONG Part 1 – Ezekiel Umoren
One way of spicing up our relationship is by playing at least once in a week.
My wife loves rough play.
Since I am often at the receiving end with so much pains, I decided to take the play to another level by pranking my wife.
So on Sunday evening, my wife was using my phone to watch movie.
There is this old Sim card I have not been using, but I do recharge it once in a while to keep it valid.
I picked the Sim card and my small phone.
“Babe, let me use the toilet. I’ll be back. No finish my battery ooo,” I told her.
In the toilet, I slot in the Sim card and wrote the message: “Honey! Dis pregnancy is becoming obvious. People are beginning to suspect it. Pls come and do small thing from the list you collected so I can go out anytime I want without fear of getting stigmatized that I got pregnant out of wedlock. My gas has finished, pls come and refill it for me tomorrow. We love you.”
I then sent the message to my phone that my wife was using.
Few minutes later, I came out from the toilet fully prepared with the lines I was going to use in responding to any form of attack from my wife – be it verbal or physical.
But to my greatest surprise, so unlike her, my wife did not react. Not even from her facial expression.
I tried to get words from her, but she was very calm.
“You know I love you so much and no one will ever get in between us,” I teased her.
“I know. I love you too. Thanks for staying true to our marital vows,” she responded with a hug.
E shock me!
‘Maybe the message didn’t enter, or it entered but she didn’t see,’ I thought.
To satisfy my doubt, I decided to check the phone.
“Are you done with the phone? I want to make a call,” I said.
“I’m not done, but you can have it. Let me bring food from the kitchen, before I’m back, you should be done. The movie is very interesting.” She handed me the phone.
I quickly ran to the message app and discovered that the message was read.
‘Then why did she not react?’ I wondered.
A moment later, she brought the food with smiles all over her face.
“Darling! Dinner is served.”
I was afraid to eat because we had rat poison in the house. ‘What if the food is poisoned? No! You must not eat,’ I assured myself.
“Babe. I’m having stomach ache. My stool is watery. I don’t think I will be able to take anything.”
“Eyaaaaaah! So in that case I am permitted to eat your meat, right?”
“Yes dear! Go ahead please.”
My goat meat and white soup. Chai! E really pain me.
I watched as she did justice to the food but did not die. Maybe she took antidote, but I refused to be tempted to join her.
I kept waiting for her to ask me about the message so that the aim of the prank could be achieved, but she did not.
I became afraid of my own shadow, but as a man, I carried on as if nothing was wrong.
From Sunday till this morning, my wife did not mention the issue, neither did she act otherwise.
I have been avoiding eating with her, instead I would prefer eating with my son.
So this morning, she showed me the dress she bought for her mother and told me she has to deliver the dress in person.
So she left for the village this morning with my son.
This afternoon, I got a call from my father in-law asking me to come to the house.
I do not know what the problem is, because my wife is still very friendly even on the phone.
So this afternoon, I honored my father in-law’s call.
I got there in the company of my friend – Stephen. Stephen had been a very good family friend.
After telling him all that transpired, he could not hold himself from laughing out loud.
We got to my wife’s place, but the regular rousing welcome was reduced.
I handed my father in-law the drink we bought for him, but he asked me to drop it on the table instead.
“Grandpa is not happy with you,” my son tipped me.
I smiled sheepishly.
“The boy is right. My kinsmen will soon be here, please exercise patience,” my father in-law assured.
I turned to Stephen and we made eye contact.
“Sir,” I began, “I am lost here. Is there something I have done? I think we can sort it out as a family before inviting your kinsmen. After all, you once told me that ‘a secrete of the household must first be made known to the head of the house’. Can we talk about this please?”
My father in-law was about to respond when the first chief entered.
Within 5 minutes, about 13 of his kinsmen arrived.
“Our inlaw! Our inlaw! Our inlaw”, they greeted me one after the other.
Their houses are not far from my wife’s place. Same street, but extended compounds.
Before I could fathom what was going on, the meeting had begun, and after the normal traditional greetings, my wife was called in.
“Our inlaw!” began one of the elders. “Our daughter here, who is also your wife, brought a report to us yesterday. It is not a very good report. It is a bad report. I will like us to hear from the horse’ mouth. Our daughter, please tell your fathers and your husband here what you told us yesterday.”
“My fathers I greet ooo!” my wife began. “Last week Sunday, evening, I was using my husband’s phone to watch film. While I was watching, a message came into the phone from a strange number. I read the message and I was heartbroken. The message came from a woman.
The woman is pregnant for my husband. And to ground it all, my husband has already gone for her introduction. He has collected the list and has done one or two things from the list. It is just a matter of time before he sends me parking back to my father’s house.”
“Okokobioko!” one of the elders exclaimed.
“So instead of being sent parking, I decided to come back on my own. No body will disgrace me. That is why I said you people should call him to come and take back the bride price.”
“You are the true daughter of Asimba family,” one of the elder praised her. “The daughter of a lion. No son or daughter of Asimba family has ever been disgraced. Is there any?”
“No oooo!” all of them echoed.
“My in-laws”, I stood up to defend myself.
“Sssshhhhhhhhh”, another chief shut me down. “You will have the floor. Don’t rush. Asimba family members are not interrupted while talking in a gathering like this. If you do it again, you will be fined heavily as the custom demands. Asimba, have I spoken well?”
“Yes ooo! You have spoken well.”
I sat down shocked and surprised.
“Our daughter,” the first elder continued, “You said bride price should be returned. Please remove the trumpet and speak plainly. Are you no longer interested in your marriage to this young man?”
“I am not interested anymore. Let him take the bride price and go to his new pregnant wife,” my wife responded.
“Very well then. We have heard from the horse’ mouth. Our daughter is no longer interested in the marriage. She wants the bride price returned because her husband has another wife somewhere and she doesn’t want to have a co-wife.
As tradition demands, our inlaw must bring his people. I called him our inlaw because he is still our inlaw for now. Our inlaw will bring his people because he did not come alone to pay the bride price. People accompanied him. His parents and other family members.
So he must bring his parents back here so that we can make a refund of the bride price, then we can talk about how to take care of the son. Asimba have I spoken well?”
“Yes oooo! You have spoken well,” they all echoed again.
I raised up my hand so I could be given the chance to speak.
An elder, who happed to be their family head, stood up and began: “Our inlaw, keep down your hand, you will speak when it is time. That you are not speaking for now is because we have all seen what your new wife sent to you. Your wife is a very smart woman.
She took photo of the thing and brought it here. We have seen and have belived, unless you will show us that your wife is lieing. As the family head of Asimba family, this is my decision: You will go and bring your people here tomorrow or any day that favors you. Let us know when you are coming. It is only then you will defend yourselve in the present of your people and your inlaws.
You cannot sit here and address us all just like that. This matter is bigger than you. However, I am not in support of returning of bride price. We will see if there is a way we can save this marriage. That will be all for now.”
As soon as he finished speaking, the meeting was dismissed.
Meanwhile, I have reported the whole thing to my people.
We will return there tomorrow.
My mata don tie gele.
Who even send me sef.
Now my wife no pick my calls again.
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