THE REAL MAN – Lizzy Oyebola Oyekunle

THE REAL MAN

Mum: (Looks aghast) Come over here Richards. What did you say you did to her again? (arms akimbo) Tell me one more time.

Richards: I hit her mum. A jab in her tummy, one below her butt, the last in her chest. I should have added one more in her head so that she can…

Mum: (Smiles ruefully)…get some sense abi?

Richards: (Frowns slightly) Why do you sound that way mum? Your words are sarcastic.

Mum: (Claps her hands as she shakes her head) Sarcastic ke? How will my words be sarcastic when I have well trained my son? I have trained him to be a wife beater that teaches sense to his wife. Hehehe… Why will I sound sarcastic? I am only a proud mum o (Adjusts her Buba as she sits)

Richards: (Scratches his head) I am still not okay with the way you sound mum… No! Even the Bible says in the heart of children lies foolishness, don’t spare the rod.

Mum: Abi ooooo… In the hearts of children…. Children.. Derin’s father! Hehehe… (Adjusts her Buba again)

Richards: I am not her father. I am her husband but when a wife descends so low as to behaving like a child who lacks home training, wagging her tongue like an uncontrollable trailer, one just has to treat such as one! A child!

Mum: (Smiles) That is my son! Emi o bimo oshi!… Hehehe. Pass me the remote let me watch the 9pm news jare. (Gives it to her)

(After a while)

Mum: Richie, give me your phone, let me quickly do something.

Richards: (Hands a cheap phone to her)

Mum: (Shakes her head) The IPhone 7 joor. Let your mama even see how it looks. Let me touch it abeg.

Richards: (Places it in her palms) Gently mum.

Mum: Go away joor. Am I that ara oko? (smiles) let’s take some selfies (presses the key) it’s not coming on

Richards: (Smiles) It sometimes seizes like that mum. Just wait for a second, it will be back.

Mum: OK really….what’s with this dark spot here? It’s faulty?

Richards: I wanna take it out tomorrow. I will lay a complaint to the manufacturer online.

Mum: Wow… Great! (She throws it at the wall. Richards jumps up in shock, tears streaming out of his eyes)

Richards: M…… Mo….. Mum!? (screams as he pushes the table to a side and bangs the wall)

Mum: Anything the matter son? (Looks shocked)

Richards: (Turns slowly to face her) For real mum? You can ask this kinda question really! That phone is expensive. It is more expensive than any singular thing you have mum. You ruined it and you are here saying trash???!!!

Mum: Richards, me?? You are insulting me? (Richards murmurs) Come on, take your phone.(Points it at him) I threw the remote control instead. Have your phone. I can’t stand your insults.

Richards: (Face lightens up, collects the phone and hugs his mum) I’m so sorry. Thanks momma. I love you.

Mum: The phone is expensive, yet it constantly seizes but you don’t want it smashed against the wall?

Richards: Mum, you wouldn’t want to know the price.

Mum: It is more expensive that Derin? It is more valuable that your wife?

Richards: Mum, what’s…

Mum: You could wait for a minute or a moment for your phone to compute and give you the desired result but you can’t wait for your wife to come out of her one minute madness?

Richards: Mum…

Mum: You can hit your wife in the face, everywhere but can’t stand your phone getting a scratch, really???

Richards: You don’t under…

Mum: If I were you, I would see her worth more than a Bugatti or any material thing. When she goes off and starts screaming, I see her as my phone needing a little more time. I wouldn’t smash her against the wall. I wouldn’t kick her here and there. I would wait till she is fine and then embrace the wife of my youth…

Richards: See, mum…

Mum: You noticed a fault in the phone and plan to take it to the manufacturer. Why not take the faults of your wife to the manufacturer?

Richards: (Gasps) Wow!

Mum: You got mad at me and insulted me because you thought I threw the phone away, if I were you, I would stand before anyone trying to ruin my love for me! I would speak firmly to that person no matter who it is-even my mother! He or she should respect my wife of inestimable worth!

Richards: (Sighs deeply) oh..

Mum: Only then would I be classified as a real man! The power of a real man lies in his knees, not in his fists.

Richards: (Breathes out) Even when she is wrong?

Mum: What if you are wrong my dear, can she beat you?

Richards: (Laughs) What! Incredible! I am the man here

Mum: (Shakes her head) Just like a virtuous woman will not raise his fists at her husband, real men don’t beat their wives! Only weak, powerless men do that! No tangible reason can justify you raising your hands at her.

Richards: (Sober) I had been wrong?

Mum: Wrong is an understatement love. You had been foolish! A big embarrassment to the men folks!

——
Yeah right?

Richards would do good if he could pick up the broken phone again, take it the market, get it refurbished and have a really deep discussion with the Manufacturer right?

Also, phones, can you stop seizing and ask that the Manufacturer make you a better product?

Ask Him to work on you, in you, till you are well groomed because you know seizing phones can actually be frustrating!

THE REAL MAN Written By: Lizzy Oyebola Oyekunle

May God heal the broken families, heartbroken wives and depressed husbands. Amen.

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