Pretending To Be Dead To My Wife – Praises Chidera Obiora
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So this evening I returned home and discovered my wife was not yet back. She had called me when I was at work to tell me she would be going to church and would be returning late, but she had cooked food.
She asked me to either eat or wait until she returns.
Well, I was too hungry to wait so I decided to eat.
While eating at around 7:15 pm, I heard her voice outside. She was greeting the neighbors and so I decided to play a little trick on her to scare her.
I decided to pretend like I was dead and see what she would do.
I rubbed Egusi soup on my mouth, dropped a little on the floor, and quickly laid flat on the floor like someone dead.
When my wife opened the door and saw me, she shouted.
“Ah Ah! Praises, which one is this again na?”
I did not answer.
I kept lying down in silence.
She walked to me and looked at the plate.
“Ah! You want to die so that people will say it was my sweet Egusi soup that killed you.”
I wanted to laugh but I swallowed it in.
My wife touched me.
And shook me.
“Praises! Praises you will not get up? This is not a joke o.”
I knew I was beginning to get her so I continued to lay dead.
Instead of pouring me water or going out to look for help, my wife began to unzip my trouser.
The thing that was supposed to sleep started rising gradually.
But I still decided to play dead thinking my wife will decide to play with it.
Instead, this woman grabbed my testicles.
That was how I shouted and jumped up before she kill me completely.
My wife started laughing.
“Why are you shouting?”
“Do you want to kill me?”
“I thought you were dead already na?”
“And if I was dead nkor. Do you want to kill me finally?”
“I wanted to test and see if you were still alive before I know what to do.”
“What does touching a man’s testicles have to do with confirming death? Is my heart in the testicles? See how you wanted to draw it like chewing gum.”
“Haba na. I just wanted to play with it.”
“Don’t play with again o. Even when I die don’t touch it. Which rough okay is that one? Ah ah! If I didn’t shout and stand up now, Egusi soup and eba would have been the last thing I ate before leaving this world. Don’t touch it again o. You want to strangle me finish.”
My wife walked to me and sat on my lap.
“Oya sorry na. Tell me welcome.”
“Welcome keh.”
My name is Praises Chidera Obiora and I am the best at what I do.
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