I almost had an accident by Penocrat Ayomide | Very Funny Short Story!

I almost had an accident on third mainland bridge today. Please join me and thank God for the gift of life.

Wetin cause am?

My mum called this morning, to inform me that she was going for the traditional wedding of one of my imaginary childhood friends.

“Oh! Great. I wish I was there with you in Asaba to attend the wedding . Greet her and her family for me o.” I replied.

“Greet her piwakwa gi onu there!Where are you now?” She asked.

“I’m indoors.”

” Doing what? No occasion to attend?”

“Not today, I just feel like resting on my bed.”

“Which bed? You better go out and allow your husband to easily locate you. Go out! Radarada!”

Okay, I got up, dressed up, begged my landlord’s son to escort me to one naming ceremony of one of our church members, since I don’t have car.

The couple just gave birth to twins, after ten years of waiting. So trust the celebration na. Very big.

After naming the babies, ‘Gods time and Perfection’, they proceeded to serve different kind of meals! Anything you want, dey! African dish o, continental abi intercontinental,???. Everything plenty.

Landlord’s son ordered for jollof rice and meat. Only o!!!! No salad, plantain or moi moi. Just rice. Dafuq?
How can you be allowing soap enter your eyes inside ocean? Who eats a small plate of rice and a piece of meat, in a land flowing with milk and honey? Mtcheew!

Well, after eyeing him, I ordered a big plate of ? and catfish pepper soup, plus a can of malt. When I was done, I ate small jollof and salad again, with chicken, plus small chivita. You know, jollof is a major proof that you attended an event, in Nigeria. If you know, you know!?

As we were going, I collected Amala and ewedu, mixed with small gbegiri and ogufe stew plus plenty pomo, to take home. After all, It was a huge celebration. God just wiped off tears of ten years away from some people’s eyes. Who am I, not to rejoice with them?
Who I be? I don baff?

Landlord’s son frowned. He was shocked. “Who eats so much?” He asked, after giving me this ‘what’s doing you’ look.
Anyways, I didn’t care. Since I couldn’t find husband here, lemme eat food na. Is it a bad thing to gather strength for the next man hunt? Hian!
I cannot coman go and kill myself o.?

We drove home in silence. Aproaching the bridge, I grabbed the tightly covered plate of amala, opened it, and scooped out one pomo.

Oga warned me to put it down, and wait till we got home, but the stuff was too sweet and peppery too. I love pepper. I couldn’t help it. After eating the first one, I opened the plate again and grabbed another kpomo with my spoon. This one was very strong like monkey nyash, It wouldn’t go down without a fight. So I dropped my spoon, and decided to deal with the stubborn thing with my bare hands. Is like it is mad abi? We die here!!!

Brothers and sisters, you needed to see how I was battling with this kpomo. Somebody had to win, and that person was me. Las las, I will close eyes and swallow the damn thing straight!
But how do I swallow? It was also too big. So I held part of it with my teeth and the other part with my hand, then I began dragging it like an elastic band, in a bid to cut it in two.

Long throat will no kill me. Say amen on my behalf.

Before I knew it, the kpomo got to its elastic limit, and returned in full force, spraying hot peppery stew into landlord’s son’s eyes.

He almost lost control of the vehicle. Firstly, he began shouting and driving slowly. I became very scared when he kept driving with eyes closed.

“Park! Park ooooooooooooo! Park! I’m not dying today!” I screamed in fear.

So he parked at one corner on the bridge, I gave him water to wash his eyes. After he had washed his eyes, I kissed him on his forehead, and used my beautiful handkerchief meant for only my face, to clean his black face. ?? I also stroked his hair. So that nobody will shout at anybody, at leas.?

Oga opened his eyes finally.
Oya lets be going na. Oga refused. He maintained he couldn’t see, even when his eyes were opened like torchlight. He was even now stretching neck to kiss. Mtcheew!

Ten minutes later, we were still there. Struggling. Oga was still asking for kiss.
Just then, we sighted one Lastma vehicle, speeding in our direction.
Them no dey tell deaf person say war don start.
Oga kicked the ignition to life, and we fled for dear life.

I looked at him. The fear of 50k you don’t have is the beginning of sense. No. Come and kiss na. Oshisco PLC!??

P.S: Nobody should laugh. I almost died here.

Written by Penocrat Ayomide Ugonna.

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