Man Wey Dey Reason Episode 48 – Flow1759
“Who be Flow, na you be Flow” A voice that sounded like the roaring of a Lion yelled.
“no, no be him be Flow” I heard Kate said.
“guy Kate Brother nahim be the point 1 of Buccaneers” Man whispered as we stayed tranquil in the Barber’s shop.
“na you be Man abi?” The voice yelled. “ehen na the guy voice be that, na Kate brother wey Kate call wey beat Papa Ejima that time wey una never come stay with us” Man said.
“wetin Papa Ejima do Kate na?” I asked. “Him slap Kate, because Kate beat him Children” Man answered.
“we no go leave this place until we see Man and Flow, two of them dey threaten my sister abi?” I heard the same voice said.
“how we go threaten your sister, we dey Mad?” I almost said.
Buccaneer fratanity!! Why i so much disliked the cult was because unlike Baggers, they were mainly spoilt brats, guys that could hardly hurt a fly. But they had access to guns than any other cult, maybe it was because they were connected to the Creme de la Creme of the society.
The first “Chicken lap” i held was given to me by a buccaneer friend of mine back in school.
If you are a glutton, you would be salivating at the mention of “Chicken lap”. It is not food, but Pistol.
I had seen stainless Chicken laps only on TV, but that day i held it live. That day i felt like shooting anything, be it a Dog or a Goat, but never a human being. because i so much believed in the adage; “He that lives by the gun will surely go by the gun”.
Don’t get it twisted, why you see so many “acidental discharge” that kills people, is because many of the people that fires these acidental discharges are people their parents never bought toy guns for when they were kids, people like me.
Talking of toys, the only toy my Dad bought me when i was a kid was an Ape. The toy was so u’gly and old that i wondered if it was a Legacy passed from his Dad to him, and he passed it on to me. Woe betide me to pass it to my kids, i thank God the never say die toy had been long lost.
“Alora!!” was what several voices were saying. Alora!! It sounded like Aloe Vera.
The barber’s shop was hot, very hot. So hot that my sweat could full a bucket.
It wasn’t just hot, it was dark.
I glanced at my phone and saw that it was 10pm. Sleep was around the corner.
“guy wetin we go do na, them no gree go oh” I said. “make we wait small, them go go” Man assured.
Why i so much liked Man was because he always remained hopeful is all situations, if he tells you the Queen of England would celebrate her birthday in Nekede, believe him.
What if these Buccaneer boys discovered we were in this barber’s shop and brought us out? I asked myself. The answer to that is Optional; Option A would be for them to use our flesh for Suya, Option B is for them to Crucify us just like the two thieves that were Crucified by the side of Jesus.
“Man wetin we go do with the video na? Make we delete am abi?” I said to Man.
Not knowing i was talking to the air.
“guy e better make we delete the Video, and make Mama Ejima see say we don delete am, if not, this Buccaneer boys go use us do Kulikuli oh” I said to Man.
Not knowing i was still talking to the air.
When i knew i was actually talking the air was when i heard Man snoring.
“guy you don sleep?” I asked a rheotorical question.
As i put on the screen light of my phone, i saw Man sleeping on the floor with his mouth wide open and saliva dripping out.
“see this mumu don sleep, shey na for here you go sleep” I said.
You see, that was another evident to show that drinking speaks Irresponsibility.
My irresponsible friend Man was asleep, and i was feeling sleepy too.
But the Buccaneers were still much around.
I decided i must sleep, be it as it may. But before i would sleep, i would say a prayer that would protect me from the Buccaneers.
I recited the Lord’s prayer four times, and still made mistakes while reciting it for the fifth time.
Then i prayed; “Angel East, Angel West, Angel North and South, do your best to watch and guard me while i rest” “Amen” I answered.
My eyes saw two mattresses on the floor, Man was lying on one, while the other one awaited me to lie on it.
“who buy two foam put for this shop” I asked myself.
As i landed on the mattress reserved for me, it turned cemented floor miraculously.
“Ahhhhhh!! My head oh my leg oh” I cried, as i fell to the cemented floor like an elephant.
I thanked my stars the Baccaneers never heard me cry.
The ringing of my phone woke me, i recieved the call. It was Pkc asking me where we were, since i dreamt i was sailing in a Ship that was as big as the famous Titanic Ship, and the container we slept in looked like the Ship, i almost told Pkc we were sailing in Titanic Ship.
I could feel the pains of the bruise on my forehead as i stood up. With Man still irresponsibly lying like a log of Iloko tree on the floor. His mouth was still wide open and i saw a Sugar Ant almost crawled into it.
“mumu you no go wake up, Ant go just waka enter your mouth” I tapped him.
I had totally forgotten there was a big mirror in the Barber’s shop, as i turned, the Mirror Image of myself almost made be shouted, “Blood of Jesus”.
The u’gly Image of myself reminded me of “the Beast” in the movie “Beauty and the Beast”.
Legend has it that it is normal for one to be u’gly early in the morning.
So the most beautiful girl in the world would definately be a shadow of herself when she wakes up in the morning. Or so i tot.
“fine boy like me nahim this mirror make me worwor like pig, this mirror dey lie, na fake mirror, i go tell Baba jay make him go change am” I told myself.
I was wondering if “Hang over” was the twin brother to “U.gliness”, because i could feel i had hang over.
I was still baffled at my u’gliness when i heard footsteps walking towards the shop, i heard someone asked, “na inside the shop them dey?”.
“yes na inside the shop i put them” the other voice replied, which was a female voice.
“who put us inside this shop na? na we waka with our leg enter the shop na” i told myself as i looked for where i would hide.
Since the voices weren’t the voices of my guys, i concluded they were the Buccaneers coming to get us.
And maybe offer us as a sacrifice to their gods. Or so i tot.
I heard Haruna’s C.ocks crowed in succession.
“why i go dey fear ordinary buccaneer boys, i be Aro bagger na” I consoled myself.
Consolation was what i needed at that moment as i heard my heart climbing the ladder of my throat.
I saw Man hiding behind the standing fan. Could a standing fan give him the desired refuge? I asked myself.
Kettle calling pot black, i wasn’t any better as i hid behind the Generator.
You wouldn’t blame us, would you? In such situation anything could serve as a refuge, even a shoe.
I expected the footsteps to stop abruptly in front of the shop, but i still heard it moved further.
I heard someone walking round the Barber’s shop whistling.
I concluded the Buccaneers wanted to set the Barber’s shop ablaze when i heard; “bring the galon of Kerosene, and bring matches sef”.
My heartbeat stopped instantly and i cried bitterly knowing my Life Clock would also soon stop.
One thing was sure, the Buccaneers had a history of setting people ablaze.
I could remember when i was in school when Buccaneers declared war against the confraternity. So many members that were caught were set ablaze.
Suddenly i saw Man whispering something to the ring in his right thumb.
“Man you get sense abi? You wan disappear make only me die for the fire abi?” I thought.
At that moment, a song came to my mind, the song was; “Death around the corner” by Tupac Amaru Shakur. I was gradually becoming a Tupac Shakur fan, all thanks to Tupac.
As Man continued whispering incantations to the ring, i thought the best thing to do was to grab him firmly so we would vanish together.
I quickly grabbed him from behind, and he said, “Flow why you dey hold me na”.
“you get sense, you wan disappear make only me die for fire abi?” I cried.
“two people no go fit disappear, na only one person” Man said.
“so you want make only me die abi? Guy na me and you go die here oh, i no go gree oh” I said, holding him so tight that he couldn’t breathe properly.
Suddenly i heard, “Nkiru stay for shop, make i go burn the dirty”, i instantly recognised that that was Haruna’s voice.
“i don see our pekin shirt and shoe wey we dey find” that was Nkiru’s voice.
It instantly dawned on me that the shirt and shoe was what they were initially looking for that Nkiru said she was sure it was inside the shop. And the Kerosene was to burn dirts and not to set the Barber’s shop ablaze.
So they were not Buccaneers.
I found my lost breath, and my lost heart also.
But it seemed Man was deaf, as he continued his incantations.
Or is it that a person saying incantations is surely deaf? I asked myself, as Man added dancing to his incantations. A Hausa dance i think.
I thought the best thing to do was to bring him back to the Physical realm somehow. So i tapped him on his head.
It worked, he was brought back to the Physical realm.
“Flow you wan turn to rat?” was the first question he asked me.
“no” i answered.
“if you no wan turn to rat, make you no ever slap person wey dey talk to him Talley for him head” Man warned.
If you grew up in the ghettos of Nigeria, you should know that “Talley” is a charm given to someone for protection and to fight. It is mostly in form of a ring.
The first day i saw that a Talley could work wonders was when i was in my early teenage in the barracks.
Two adults were fighting one evening, i saw one of them spoke something to a ring he wore, after he had spoke the words, he let out a punch to the nose of his opponent. The next thing i saw, his opponent started uprooting grasses and eating them.
The crowd that were watching the fight stampeded trampling on each other. My right ankle was dislocated that evening.
I was told the guy that was eating grasses was left to his fate until about 5minutes when his eyes were clear and he ran for his dear life.
“i say make i tell you say no be those Buccaneer, na Haruna and him wife, nahim make i slap you for head” I said to Man.
“I know na, i just dey tell my Talley say i no wan disappear again, nahim make me dey dance” Man said.
“ok, make we comot for here na” I beckoned.
“you know say Oyibo people dey say Ladies First, so you go dey for front, i go follow you for back” Man said trash.
“who be Lady?” I asked. “na you na” Man answered. “na your Papa be Lady” I cursed.
“you better enter front, no be you hold Talley?” I said.
We practically crawled out of the Barber’s shop, and the first face we saw was Nkiru’s u.gly face. A bad omen that meant we would have an u.gly day.
As we entered the compound, we saw so many guys, each with a cutlass, not to cut off our heads, but to clear the grasses in the compound.
And they were not Buccaneer members but our beloved friends.
“Flow wetin una do Kate wey make her call her brother for una?” Bigie asked, as we sat close to where they were cutting.
“nothing oh, we no do anything oh” Man answered. “see your mouth like nothing oh, una no do anything nahim them dey find una?” Tupac said.
“ehnnn!! if una die, i no sabi cry oh, i go just wear black cloth come chop Rice for una burial oh” Brainbox said.
“na you go die” Man cursed.
“Tupac you hold that your phone here?” Man suddenly asked. “yes i hold am here, e dey for my pocket” Tupac answered.
“bring am” Man said.
“wetin you wan use my phone do?” Tupac asked.
“i wan send music put inside” Man said. “guy i no dey like make any music wey no be Tupac music dey for my phone, if no be Tupac music no send am oh” Tupac warned.
“na Tupac music na” Man said. “ehnnnn! Wetin be the name of the music” Tupac was curious.
“na B..itches over B..itches be the name” I answered.
I knew there was a Tupac song that was titled; “Money over B..itches(MOB)”, so i coined out “B..itches over B..itches(BOB).
A perfect title for the Video. Perfect because Kate was a B..itch, Mama Ejima too was a B..itch, and since they both had a roll in the hay in the Video, B..itches over B..itches should be the title.
“na only Money over B..itches i don hear oh, i never hear B..itches over B..itches oh, you sure say na Tupac sing am?” Tupac asked.
“na Tupac sing am na, Gadafi feature for the song sef” I said. I wanted to say the song featured Snoop Dogg, but as i noticed that Snoop who was a die hard Snoop Dogg fan was present, i mistakenly said Gadafi.
Don’t get me wrong, Gadafi here is not referring to the Late Lybian President, but a member of Tupac’s crew.
That Tupac’s crew member named themselves after Leaders like Idi Amin and Mamman Gadafi is a known fact. They bore names like Idi(short for Idi Amin of Uganda), Gadafi(short for Mamman Gadafi of Lybia), even Tupac named himself Makaveli(coined from Nicolo Machiaveli of Italy).
“Flow how you take know say Gadafi na musician?” Tupac asked me. “you think say na today i don dey hear Tupac song?” I answered.
True talk i had been listening to Tupac’s song since i was 7. How? you would ask.
There was this bachelor soldier that stayed in the building behind ours back then in the barracks. He was a die hard Tupac fan.
He ate with Tupac as his spoon, bath with Tupac as his soap, lie with Tupac as his bed, he practically worshiped Tupac. Infact he was going insane because of Tupac, as i sometimes heard him shouting “Tupac”, “Idi”, “Bigie”, “Snoop”, “Gadafi”, etcetera in the middle of the night.
If you were a kid that heard about 20tracks of a particular musician a day, wouldn’t you love the musician automatically? So was my case. I loved Tupac until i was 12 when i started hating anything music(thats a story for another day), albeit the Love for music came back when i was 22 up until this moment.
“guy send the music enter my phone, after i go hear am” Tupac offered Man his phone.
What he never knew was that it was a Tupac song titled; B..itches over B..itches Featuring Gadafi, Kate, and Mama Ejima.
“guy we need to go beg Kate oh” Man said to me as he was sending the Video to Tupac phone. “infact make we dey go now now” he added.
“no, make una no go beg, make una wait reach 1 O’clock wey them those buccaneer boys go come back” Brainbox said.
“na by 1 O’clock them say them go come back?” I curiously asked.
“dey there make p*ant dey wear you” Brainbox said.
“na you p*ant go wear” I replied.
“i no want wahala oh, if i clear this grass finish, i dey enter Ilya du Neked wire go drink pammy, i no want Buccaneers wahala” Snoop said.
“make una no worry them no go do us anything, na Flow and Man them dey find” Tega who just came said. “Flow that Kate property wey una hold make una go give am oh” he warned. It seemed his fratanal brothers had informed him about the video.
“nahim we wan go return now” I replied.
The time according to my phone was; 11:45am. That meant we had 1hour 15minutes to our waterloo.
As a cultist i was, i knew cultist never followed the famous “African time”. That they keep to time is an understatement, they always come before time to take their victims unaware.
“make we dey go beg Kate na” I told Man.
Not knowing Kate wasn’t around.