Man Wey Dey Reason Episode 45 – Flow1759
Where else would we head to after such hard work but Soroagwa’s canteen.
Soroagwa’s canteen was empty of customers that evening. What kept him company was the plate of Isiewu and the bottle of Gulder beer he was enjoying.
“Soroagwa you dey enjoy oh” Man complimented. “na God oh” Soroagwa responded.
“shey na God dey chop the Isiewu, abi na Him dey drink the beer?” I nearly said.
“wetin i go bring for una?” Soroagwa asked after he had finished his “dialogue” with Isiewu and Gulder.
“Ogbono soup dey?” Man asked. “yes e dey” answered Soroagwa.
“okay give me Ogbono soup, and put four meat, two kpomor and one fish” Man ordered.
I almost gave him a round of applause for ordering like a Vampire would, but i thought twice because the money was there.
“Akpu dey?” Man asked again. “yes e dey” Sorogwa answered.
“give me four Akpu make i use start first, i fit need extra later” Man ordered.
This time, i almost shouted “Hallelujah” because of his wierd order.
On a normal Kponkpon day, i wouldn’t be able to finish two wraps of Akpu, not to talk of three, but here was Man demanding for Four wraps.
“the Four Akpu wey you say make Soroagwa bring na for three of us?” Brainbox inquired.
“which kin three of us, na for only me jor” Man replied. “e be like say una no dey hungry oh, since morning na only Bons dey my belle, upon the work wey we work” He further said.
Were the Four wraps of Akpu for three of us, there would still had been leftover, because one wrap was as big as the head of a New born baby.
“make i bring the same thing for una two?” Soroagwa was refering to I and Brainbox.
I thought of it for a while and said, “no oh, me na two Akpu i go chop oh”. “na two Akpu me sef want oh” Brainbox said.
Even if i wanted to commit suicide, not with Akpu. There were a hundred and one better ways of committing suicide.
“Brainbox, as you don pay your money for the barbing salon wey we wan open, i want make you borrow me your share of this money” Man said as he was sharing the money.
“how Brainbox go borrow you money, Brainbox wey like money pass himself” I said within.
To my greatest surprise, Brainbox said, “no wahala, i go borrow you”.
“Baba Brain!! You be correct Man, no worry i go give you back if we dig another pit tomorrow” Man assured.
Man handed me a bunch of money and said, “na 16k-16k we share am, so the remaining 2k we go use am pay for the food wey we wan chop so”.
Soroagwa brought two plates, each containing two big wraps of Akpu and said, “that one na for Man, i dey come make i bring una own”. Why he used two plates to dish the Akpu was because a plate could contain only two wraps.
Even if Man wasn’t ashamed of himself, i was ashamed of him.
As Soroagwa brought my two wraps of Akpu, i was wondering if the two wraps would seat conviniently in my stomach, or an explosion would occur.
“Soroagwa why your Akpu big today na?” Man cried out.
“you dey fear? You must finish am oh” I almost told Man.
“na for another place i buy this one, this one na 50naira for one, but the former one na 40naira for one” Soroagwa answered and left.
Legend has it that why Ibos are one of the strongest people in Nigeria is because of the kind of food they eat. Strong Akpu, strong Pounded Yam, even the Eba of a typical Ibo man is as strong as a rock. Little wonder a typical Ibo man is always muscular. Their muscular nature isn’t because they work out alot, but because of the strong things they swallow.
The plates of Ogbono soup were “meat-full”. A butcher wouldn’t even eat that much pieces of meat.
“Soroagwa this meat too much oh” I nearly said.
The Ogbono soup looked delicious. It was also hot. Pipping hot.
Research has it that hot Ogbono soup when taken in a haste could kill.
So i slowly swallowed.
The Ogbono soup acted as a lubricant that made the b’alls of Akpu smoothly ran into my stomach.
Before i knew it i was on my second wrap.
And Man was on his third wrap.
“Man wey dey reason!!” I hailed.
“Soroagwa bring me one bottle of Gulder make i take step down this food” Man ordered as we continued eating.
Soroagwa brought it and asked, “make i bring for una two?”. “yes, bring Udeme for me” I ordered.
“the Junior brother of Udeme no dey oh, na the senior brother nahim dey” Soroagwa informed.
I wanted to say, “no worry, leave am, i no go fit drink the senior brother finish”.
But before i could say that, Brainbox had already said, “Bring two bottle of the senior brother for me and Flow”
My stomach bulged like Atlas mountain as i walked slowly to avoid explosion. I looked and saw that Man’s stomach bulged like mountain Everest, he could be best described as a kwashiorkor patient.
Home sweet home!! We got home to meet Snoop and Bigie gambling.
“where Baba jay?” Man asked. “him go church” Snoop answered.
I took my bath, and as i was watching Tv, Man whispered to my ears; “make we go visit Mama Ejima na”. “visit her for wetin?” I almost said. But as he removed our Nokia phone from his pocket smiling, it dawned on me that it was Blackmail time.
“kpoon kpoon kpoon!!” Man knocked at Mama Ejima’s door. “who be that?” Mama Ejima responded from inside.
“na me, na Man wey dey reason” Man said.
“my husband no dey, him travel” Mama Ejima informed. “no be your husband we wan see, na you” said Man.
Mama Ejima hurriedly came to open the door, and asked; “any problem?”. “no problem, we just come greet you” Man said as we walked into the room.
“this one wey una come greet me so, hope i dey safe?” She said as we sat down. “you dey safe” Man replied.
“you no dey safe oh” I nearly said.
“wetin i go give una na, make i bring meat for una?” Mama Ejima said. “bring am na” I couldn’t wait for her to finish saying that before i answered.
Just when i was saying i had eaten enough meat for the night, came another meat, mighty ones at that.
I turned and saw that the twins were fast asleep. They looked like two identical cartoon creatures as they lie on the bed.
Man feed his eyes with the cases of home movie CD plates that were piled on the floor, while i was admiring the huge three pieces of meat in the plate in front of me. I was wondering how such huge pieces of meat would enter my small mouth, but i was sure Man’s wide mouth would accommodate not only one, but the three pieces of meat at a time.
“Mama Ejima why you bring three meat when we be two na, you want make cheating dey abi?” I nearly said. I assured myself that i would be the one to eat two pieces of meat, while Man would eat just one. But in other for me to accomplish it, i must chew with the speed of light. How possible was that when my teeth ached because of the excess meat i ate at Soroagwa’s.
Suddenly Man said, “Mama Ejima you like Nigerian film well well oh”. “i like am well well na, you know say i be full time house wife, na dem the film i dey use busy myself” She answered.
“okay, shebi your phone get Bluetooth?” Man asked. “yes e get, why you ask?” Mama Ejima replied. “i ask because e get one Nigerian film wey i wan send for you” Man said.
“send am na, make i on the Bluetooth” Mama Ejima said. “you go like the film, Omotola and Genevieve dey” said Man.
“which day we get this phone wey Man don already put film inside?” I asked myself as i opened my mouth wide to force a piece of meat inside.
But as Man turned and wink at me, I realized the movie he was sending to Mama Ejima’s phone was the movie Kate acted the lead role, while Mama Ejima acted the supporting role.
I guessed Kate was Omotola, while Mama Ejima was Genieve. Come to think of it, they both were a picture perfect of both actresses in looks.
Albeit I looked like a Clown as i chewed, I tried my possible best not to chew my tongue along with the meat.
The room was silent for while, what could be heard was the irritating noise my mouth made as i started chewing my second piece of meat, while Man started chewing his first.
“Mama Ejima the movie don enter your phone, play am” Man informed.
She smiled as she took her phone to play the movie. A movie i titled in my mind; “The downfall of the L’esbians”.
Her smile turned frown within a twinkle of an eye, from frown, i saw tears clouded her eyes.
She ran to where we sat and pleaded saying; “abeg anything wey una want i go give una, make una no let my husband see this video”
“anything? Even your Kpormor” I nearly said.
“which day your husband go come back?” Man asked. “na next tomorrow” She responded panicking.
“Okay we give you from now till when your husband comes back to pay us the sum of 50,000naira only, or else, your husband will see this video” Man spoke English for the first time since i knew him.
Why wouldn’t he speak English? When we would soon be as rich as Bassey and company.
“bros, 50,000 too much” Mama Ejima cried as she was fidgety. She had never called any of us “bros” before but such situation warranted her to even call us “chairmen”.
“e too much abi? No worry when ur marriage scatter, i go see if 50k go arrange ur marriage back” Man said and headed to the door. “i go pay oh, I go pay” Mama Ejima cried.
As she shook like a Jelly fish, her “parting frame” also shook.
My dirty mind suggested something to me.
I gave her parting frame a parting gift of f’ondling. And she said, “thank you bros”.
Baba jay you don come back?” I said as we entered our room. “i don come back oh, Pkc dey come sef, him say him no go sleep for church today” Baba jay replied.
“Baba jay na 20k dey here, if i go work tomorrow i go give you the remaining 13k” I handed Baba jay 20,000naira.
“Baba jay na 15k wey i chop Bigie and Tupac for gamble today be this, if i chop them again tomorrow i go pay you the remaining” Snoop handed Baba jay 15,000naira.
“na 33k dey here, i don pay finish be that” Man handed Baba jay his complete money.
Baba jay painstakingly counted all the money and said, “early mor-mor tomorrow, i go go give this money to the welder wey dey do the container, him don finish am, na make i just pay am finish com carry the container”.
Early mor-mor means early morning.
Since the business was for the good of all of us, i was sure the money wouldn’t be stolen.
Commander Bigie had gone to his room to sleep, and his second in command Brainbox was part of the business, so no one else could steal the money, or so i tot.
“where Tega go na?” I asked. “him travel go Delta state” Snoop answered.
Tega had told I and Man one evening that he would go and suckle “Anra Nwanyi Asaba”, so that his Yahoo-yahoo business would flourish. He said he wanted to take the risk.
Risk!! Risk!! Risk!! That was what my friends were all about. From the Notorious robber Bigie, to the Babalawo Man, to Brainbox with the brain of five persons put together, to Tega who wanted to get money from the devil, amongst others.
I am not sure i would ever meet such friends in my lifetime.
Before i forgot, Anra means B”reast, Nwanyi means Woman, and Asaba is the same Asaba you know as the capital of Delta state.
Tega wanted to go suckle the b”reast of a priestess in Asaba so his Yahoo-yahoo business would blossom. And money would p’ump in. That was his belief.
Rumour had it when i was in school that a guy in my department suckled the b”reast of the priestess and succeeded in yahoo-yahooing his way to own an expensive car at 22. The guy was the talk of the town as girls clustered around him like bee to nectar.
Legend has it that suckling the gigantic b”reast of the priestess would make one succeed in whatever he does. But Flow has it that; “the devil gives with the right hand and takes with the left”.
“Baba jay na you dey sleep for ground today, why you com cancel your name com put my name” Man said as he was staring at the sleeping timetable on top of the table.
“guy make you no talk that thing oh, that day wey i come back from church late wey na you suppose sleep for ground, i meet you dey sleep for bed, i no talk anything, i just sleep for ground” Baba jay explained.
“forget that day oh, that day don pass, today na you dey sleep for ground” Man said.
“guy make you no try me me oh, i dey warn you oh” Baba jay said pointing a finiger at Man.
What i thought wouldn’t get to an extent of quarelling, as tempers were boiling, i could tell a quarel was knocking. Or even a fight.
“who you dey warn?” Man queried. “na you, i no be your mate oh” Baba jay said.
“guy, you be old man but you no dey respect yourself” Man thundered.
“guy i go just beat you like small pekin” Baba jay threatened.
“even if hundred of your type fight me, them no go fit beat me” Man threatened.
“make una come warn Man oh, i go beat am oh” Baba jay said as he moved closer to Man with his fist clenched.
“guy you no go fit beat Man oh” I nearly whispered to Baba jay as i held him.
The next thing i saw, Man was with a knife threatening to stab Baba jay. “make una hold Man oh” I yelled, as Snoop and Brainbox held Man firmly.
So if Man was left, he would had stabbed Baba jay with the knife? God forbid bad thing!! That would had been my last night in Nekede, i would had taken the next available Flight, sorry, Bus to Lagos.
As i held Baba jay firmly, i noticed his whole body was vibrating. “leave me, make i teach am lesson” Baba jay said.
“make i leave you make you teach person wey hold Knife lesson abi? You wan die be that oh” I nearly said.
Legend has it that Northerners loves fighting with sharp objects like Knife and daggar. And Man grew up in the North, so i blamed him not.
I couldn’t tell whether it was “Jaz” or “voodoo” that Man used on Brainbox and Snoop that they let go of him and he dashed towards Baba jay with the knife.
I could tell his mission was to divide Baba jay’s “Ishi Ukwu” to two equal halves with the knife he held.
Ishi Ukwu means Big head. Of course Baba jay had a Big head. His head was also square in shape like a Tv screen.
Suddenly, Pkc rushed into the room to save the day by pushing Man away. And MOG quickly collected the knife from him.
That night i promised myself not to sleep by the side of Man, so he wouldn’t mistake me for Baba jay and stab me in the middle of the night.