Man Wey Dey Reason Episode 7 – Flow1759
“guy, i don do one bad thing now now oh” Brainbox said to me as he came to meet me in the well where i was fetching more water. “wetin be d bad thing wey u do?” i inquired. “after i don do L101 for the Tin tomatoes, i wan come buy the kerosene because i no say i no go fit do L101 for the kerosene” Brainbox began.
“ehen, wetin com happen?” i inquired. “naso i com tell Nkiru say i wan buy half bottle of Kerosene oh, se com say funnel wey she go use pour am for my container no dey there, naso she com enter inside house say she wan go bring the funnel oh” Brainbox added. “ehen, continue” i said. “shebi u know say our kerosene container dey black, and person no go know weda something dey inside if person look am?” Brainbox said. “i know na” i responded. “as she go inside go bring the funnel, naso i com quick quick pour one bottle of kerosene inside our container” Brainbox added. “as i see say she go notice say i don thief one bottle of kerosene naso i com burst two pure water com pour am inside that bottle wey i empty” Brainbox explained.
“as she come, she com still sell my half bottle for me, everything com be one and half” Brainbox added. “Brainbox!! U be original thief oh, i pity the person wey go buy that bottle wey u full with water oh” i said. “the person stove go just blow like bomb” Brainbox said and we both laughed loudly.
It was time to eat. Too bad, i was paired with the ravenous Baba jay.
“have u finished preparing the paw paw?” Pkc asked me. “yes, but i want make we eat this rice finish before we go chop the P-square” i responded. “bring it like that, lets eat it together with the rice” Pkc ordered.
Pkc had a bad eating habit. His combination of food was deadly. When we were at Umunkoto, there was a day he came to our house with mangoes and he met us cooking beans. That day we ate the mangoes together with beans. He even bragged about eating Kuli Kuli together with bread. And now rice and paw paw? Oh my world!!
With a slice of Paw paw each in our hands, we ate the “not too delicious” rice Snoop cooked, the Paw paw made it very delicious. Bigie and Tupac came in and joined us.
I was determined to try to meet up with the great speed Baba jay was eating. The ratio was 2:1 spoon, not too bad.
After meal, “Flow make we go Ilya du Neked wire go drink Pammy use wash dis food down na” Brainbox suggested as I, Brainbox, Man, Snoop, Tupac and Bigie sat under the mango tree outside.
Ilya du Neked wire was the joint where kegite members like I and Brainbox met to “vibrate” and drink “Holy water”. Vibrate was a Kegite terminology that meant Converse in English and Yan in pidgin English. Holy water was a kegite terminology that meant Palm wine in English and Pammy in pidgin English. I loved the Kegite club so much, not only because it was a worldwide club, but because they don’t maim fellow human beings like the secret cults and fraternities, that was why i joined the club. Not only that, i joined the club because of the slangs they used in conversing(vibrating). I and Brainbox were regular customers at Ilya du Neked wire joint when we were at Umunkoto. The joint was located close to Poly Nekede.
“Snoop are u a kariabity? Who are wa?” I asked Snoop. “i am that kpokpoti entity that was librated from an animalee to an entity, that day D, time T, entities were made in fulani nassarawaly, when my chiefo of Ilya du Lake Nwebere baptized me and called me AB Snoop” Snoop introduced himself in Kegite slang. “why i no com know u na, i be entity from Ilya du Lake Nwebere sef, abi u no dey come meeting?” i queried. “i no dey too come oh” Snoop confessed. “Ab Snoop, shine me ur golden falangis” I said to Snoop and we shook hands in a Kegite style.
“i no understand this Chinese wey una dey speak here oh” Man complained. “na because u no be Kegite na, ur own department na rice and beans department na” I said.
An hour later, I, Snoop, Brainbox, Tupac and Bigie were off to Ilya du Neked wire “nasarawaly” not knowing the amount of “kariabilities” we would meet there.
We arrived ilya du Neked wire on time, karid entities were so much “made in Fulani”.
“Barnabas i know, Solomon, i know, who are wa?” a fair guy asked me as i was about seating down. “i am that kpokponti entity that was trans Egbu, trans Amadi, trans Ekulobia, trans Ekulu, trans ife nine, on that day D, time T, that day holy water was so much made in fulani, when i was librated from an animalee to an entity by my chiefo, chief Eze goes to School of Lake Nwebere, my baptizimal name is Ab Flow because i am so much jambraha” I vibrated. The fair guy “shine me his golden falangis” and i sat down.
As we continued drinking holy water, i said, “entities make una days be long oh, una know say na me be the only entity wey get uku I uku wey big like plantain?”. They all laughed.
Uku in ibo means leg. I is an English alphabet. So uku I uku was a kegit slang for that thing that is in between a man’s legs, that is like letter I (the d’ick).
The fair guy wanted to test how well i could understand vibration so he came close to me and asked, “Baba Daysis oh, if i say pigeon solidify enter my ohambele local government before i migrate nasarawaly here, wetin i mean?” “u think say i be small boy for kegit? U are trying to kowachiate that rice is the food that is in your stomach” i explained.
“police oh, one cloth u dey wear oh, police eeh, one cloth u dey wear eeh, everyday na one baret one cloth u dey wear eeeh, everyday na one baret one cloth u dey wear eeh. Police eeh, go Bayelsa eeh, Police ooh, go Bayelsa oh, if Port Harcout no favour u, go Bayelsa, if Port Harcout no Favour u, go Bayelsa eeh” We all sang dancing round a table in Ilya du Neked wire Joint. Mehn! Tupac was a good Dancer, a better holy water drinker and a best Vibrator.
His Brother from another mother; Bigie, didn’t dance but sat smiling and watching us. We never knew he was up to mischief.
After i had taken 5litres of Holy water, i was saturated. I was in Cloud nine. I whispered to Brainbox for us to start leaving. He in turn informed others.
As we walked down the road, “Flow see that babe nyash oh! See as the nyash big” Brainbox said pointing at a lady. “omo mehn, the nyash na earthquake oh” Tupac added. The holy water i drank made me long-sighted, as i could see the big a’ss closer than any other person, it was as if the lady was walking in front of me, when she was a bit far from me. The holy water didn’t only enhance my sight, it enhanced my thinking faculty. It communicated with me.
“Flow, go press that girl nyash” Holy water commanded. I instantly walked towards the lady like i was under a spell. “e be like say Flow wan go press the girl nyash oh” i heard Brainbox said from behind me. “Flow, u no fit abeg, if u press the girl nyash, come collect 1k for my hand” i heard Bigie said. I turned and gave Bigie a bright smile, “i don chop dat 1k today be dat oh” I thought.
Legend has it that Holy water has more Alcoholic content than beer, also that one 1litre of Holy water was approximately 1 jumbo wrap of weed. If we were to go by that account, that means i had taken 5 jumbo wraps of weed. When i couldn’t even finish 4 wraps of weed on a normal day, unless of course i wanted a “direct ticket” to running mad.
I was gradually going nuts, because no normal guy could think of tapping a lady by her a’ss in an open street.
“waka fast before the babe go go na” Holy water told me, and i increase my pace.
As was getting close to her, i saw a guy on red shirt also walking towards her, “abi dis guy wan press her nyash sef?” i asked myself. “make u first dat guy press the girl nyash oh” Holy water said to me. I never knew Holy water was decieving me, the guy on red never had an intention of Tapping the lady’s a’ss.
As i and the guy on red walked almost hand in hand behind the lady, i quickly f’ondled the lady’s a’ss. “mission accomplished” i tot as i quickly returned my hands pretending i did nothing.
She turned back and yelled, “who did that?”. “talk say na that guy do am” Holy water suggested. “is him” i said pointing at the guy on red. The next sound i heard was two hot slaps, not on my cheek, but on the bony cheek of the guy on red. The two “beautiful” slaps made the guy fell to the ground.
“mumu!! U no go run” Holy water suggested. I ran as fast as my legs could go, wishing the guy on red wouldn’t recover from the beautiful slap soon.
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