Man Wey Dey Reason Episode 5 – Flow1759
“which Medicine una dey drink sef?” Baba jay asked as he saw us swallowing the drug. “na Tea oh” i responded. “no be only Tea, na cofee, abeg tell me the medicine wey una dey drink jor” Baba said. “ok na Tramadol” Man said, “aaaaah Tramadol!! That drug wey be like c’ocaine, una don take c’ocaine be dat oh” Baba jay said staring at us keenly. On hearing what Baba jay said, i instantly wished i could turn back the hands of time, but it was too late because the Tramadol was already seated in my stomach. “so i don drink coco be dat? Baba jay dey lie abeg, how dis drug go be coco” i tot, no knowing Baba jay was telling us the fact.
“na ur papa go drink c’ocaine no be us” Man insulted Baba Jay. “na my papa u dey curse like dat? U no dey fear me? I be ur mate?” Baba jay attacked. “how many years u be sef? Wey everytime u go dey tell everybody say u be old man” Man attacked. It was really a war of verbal attack between Man and Baba jay. “i be 39 years old, i be ur mate?” Baba said. I tot he said 29, not until he repeated; “39 years na beans? I sure say dem never even born u when i begin to drink beer, even sef, e fit be say ur Mama be my babe before she marry ur papa, before dem com born u” Baba jay said. “u dey mad, no talk of Mama and Papa like dat oh, i dey warn u oh” Man cautioned.
As the both of them continued raining abuses on each other, all i was thinking was; “so Baba jay na 39 years, mehn him senior me with 12years oh”.
Baba jay looked a bit matured facially, but i never expected he could be up to 39. I now saw why he insisted he should be called “Baba jay” instead of “Jay” because his name was Jachimike. He should have told us to call him “grandpa Jay” instead of “Baba jay”, because he was old enough to be a grandpa, or so i tot.
Night fell gradually.
“make we go Paapa place na” Man said. “who be Paapa?” I inquired. “no worry if we reach there u go know” Man answered the same way he answered when he was asked who Obele was.
The guy called Man, so much loved suspence, it pisses me off. “i no want person wey go cut my p’rick oh, like Obele do oh” i tot. “i go follow una go Paapa place oh, make una wait for me oh” Snoop shouted from outside.
As we were about leaving the house, someone came in. MOG was his name.
“MOG!! MOG!!” we hailed. “God bless you guys” he responded (his usual response when two or more persons greets or cheers him).
MOG!! Aaaaah MOG!!. MOG was a short form for Man of God. He was a junior Pastor in our church. What i loved about him was that he was very prayerful. What i disliked about him was that he loved begging for money from his brethren and even outsiders. If he wanted money from anyone, he would simply preach to the person, and at the end of his preaching he would say; “help the ministry with anything, nothing is too big”. He hardly says “nothing is too small”, because he was wise enough to know that if he said that, he would be given peanuts. If you say he converts the Bible to a gun and uses it to rob people all in the name of “the gospel”, you wouldn’t be far from the truth. He hardly lacked money because “na where man dey work, na there him dey chop”.
“where are u guys going to?” MOG asked. “we dey go buy groundnut and bread wey we go chop” Man told a big fat lie. “u guys should buy for me also, i am very hungry, and am passing the night here” MOG informed.
Or was groundnut and bread the code name of what we were going to do at Paapa’s place? Only time would tell.
“wetin we dey go do for Paapa place?” i asked as we were walking down the street. “we dey go take igboh for there, shebi una dey smoke igboh?” Snoop inquired. “i no dey smoke igboh oh, i no need my brain to die oh, i need am well well oh” Brainbox said. “so we wey dey smoke, our brain go die?” Man queried. “na una sabi na, me i don dey go back house, i think say na food una wan go chop for Paapa place nahim make me follow una” Brainbox said and left. Sure, as an award winning con artist he was, he really needed his brain to always be at alert.
Paapa’s place was really a hideout for weed smokers. Not only that, it was also a joint where u could find several cultist from different cults. “make police no come here come pack all of us oh” i tot as i continued smoking. It was as if Snoop read my mind, he said, “Flow no fear oh, here na Government approved Igboh Joint”.
“Man, something wey be like Ant dey waka for my chest oh, abi na the Tea wey i take?” i whispered to Man as i was puffing from my second Jumbo. “naso Tea dey do na, u no sabi say na ur chest ur heart dey, the Tea dey pump blood comot for ur chest go other part of ur body, na the blood wey go give ur body the strength wey u go use do kponkpon work Tommorow” Man explained.
“How u take know all dis things sef? U be Doctor?” i said to Man. “i be Doctor na, Doctor of kponkpon” he responded.
Just then, Tupac and Bigie came in. I saw from the corner of my eyes that the both of them anchored Snoop. Not a baggas anchor, but a anchor, “so Tupac, Bigie and Snoop be Ave Maria? So dem dey play Egede?”.
I almost joined the black brothers movement when i was in sch. But why i didn’t join was because, guys in that cult were mostly robbers. Some were pilferers, others were pick pockets, while some others had matured to become highway robbers.
But i was sure Tupac, Snoop and Bigie were not robbers, not knowing one of them was already a household name for pilfering.
After i had smoked three Jumbo wraps, i walked home with my guys. Sorry, I didn’t walk but flew home, because i was on top of the world, flying on eagles wings.
As i continued walking, i heard a voice spoke to me, I turned, and it wasn’t any of my guys that spoke. Yet another voice spoke.
The two voices now spoke together clearly for me to hear. The following conversation ensued between myself and the two voices:
“na me be Tramadol” the first voice said, “my name na Igboh” the second voice said. “my own name na Flow” i responded to the two voices without my mouth moving.
Tramadol: Remove ur shirt.
Flow: why i go remove my shirt?
Igboh: because u be big boy.
Flow: i be big boy na, and i go remove am to show u say i be big boy.
So i removed my shirt and singlet. I turned and saw that Man, Snoop, Tupac, and Bigie were carried away by the football argument they were involved in. So they weren’t disturbing the conversation with my newly found invisible friends.
Tramadol: pull ur trouser
Flow: why i go pull my trouser?
Igboh: because u be president of Nigeria.
Flow: i no go pull am abeg, i no wear boxers inside, u want make people dey see my p’rick?
Tramadol: ok go control that traffic for there.
I glanced at the road and saw that there was no traffic jam, but all the cars were moving on high speed.
Flow: but hold-up no dey na.
Igboh: Just go control am like dat, dem go dash u money.
Flow: ok i go go.
I sheepishly walked to the direction of the road to go control the traffic. I saw from the corner of my eyes that my guys were still arguing football so they never saw me leaving.
“hey you!! Stop there!! Hey you! move!!” i commanded as i stood in the middle of the road. The car i commanded to stop didn’t stop but tried to catch break, so it made a loud screech as it headed to my direction. I tot it had failed break.
For few seconds i found myself in the spirit world sipping hennesey with Tupac shakur. “i don die be dat oh” i tot.
What confirmed i wasn’t dead was when Man shouted, “Flow that motor for kill u oh!!”.
“Baba Jay who buy dis Bread and Akara wey una dey chop?” Snoop asked as we got home. “na Brainbox oh” Baba jay responded. Man looked at the direction of Brainbox and said, “Brainbox why u wear my trouser na?”. “No vex i go soon pull am” Brainbox responded.
Brainbox loved spoiling other peoples things and saving his own, i hated him for that because he had spoilt so many of my things when we were at Umunkoto.
“MOG is Pkc not coming back tonight?” Snoop asked. “Yes oh, he will be sleeping in the church because he will be leading the early morning prayers tommorow” MOG responded.
The first night i slept in the church, i concluded that the mosquitoes there were “Holy mosquitoes”. If you are an unbeliever and you sleep in the church for a night, the next morning you would surely give your life to Christ.
The mosquitoes can sting the living daylight off you. The first night i slept there with Pkc and my cousin Tochiba, i cried althrough the night. They gave me a “per seconds billing” stinging, and the next morning my skin was swollen. But i wondered why Pkc still loved sleeping there, or were the mosquitoes tired of his blood?.
“something is smelling like indian h’emp here, do any of you smoke?” MOG inquired. “No oh, na that Flow perfume wey all of us spray oh, the perfume dey smell like Igboh” Man told a fat lie. One thing i loved Man for was that you can’t just throw him off guard, he had a response to every question from his arsenal of lies. He should have been called “LIEnus” instead of “Man”. “no, i am sure somebody smoked amongst you guys, i sense the smell once someone that just smoked comes around me” MOG said. “but how do you know?” Brainbox asked.
“dis Brainbox no get sense oh, see the kin question wey him dey ask, if MOG com say him wan smell our mouth nkor? Brainbox na because u no dey smoke nahim make u wan cast us abi?” I tot.
“how wont i know, don’t u know before i gave my life to Christ, i was the number one Man of in Poly Nekede where i schooled, i smoked more than chimney, i was a chain smoker, so if i come across a weed smooker i could tell by just smelling the person’s cloth” MOG narrated. One hearing that, i saw Snoop moved his body a bit in other for MOG’s weed sensitive nose not to percieve the smell of weed emanating from his cloth, Man also did the same. But i did not move my body because i wasn’t putting on my cloth, “abi him dey smell person skin sef?” i asked myself.
“that person that smokes, pls change ur ways oh, Jesus Loves u, i pray God arrest you soon, In Jesus name” MOG prayed. “AMEN!!!” we all chorused.
Next morning, as early as 8am man woke me up. And he told me we should start preparing for work. I woke Brainbox also. The others were still sleeping.
“we no go chop before we go?” Brainbox asked. “no worry we go chop vegetable soup for Mama Calabar place” Man responded. “who be Mama calabar?” Brainbox asked. “when we reach there u go see her” Man answered(his usual way of answering such question).
Why i so much liked Mama Calabar canteen was because the place was neat. Not only that, because that was the canteen most kponkpon workers ate their breakfast. “mehn! Calabar women sabi cook oh, i must marry Calabar woman oh” i concluded as i munched my kingsize meat.
Mama Calabar canteen wasn’t far from our “place of work”, so we walked down gulping our sachet water, like the ghetto boys we were.
“e get one old man wey i want make we go see, him name na Old solja, nahim be security man for dis site for night, na him hand key to where dem dey put cement dey dey, but as him no dey around dat yesterday him give me the key day before yesterday make i hold am, but him call me dis morning say him don come back, so make we go greet am because that man dey help me well well, na him house i dey go drink water sometimes sef, him house no far from here” Man explained.
“Old Solja good morning” we chorused as we got to the shanty house. “unu morning” he responded. “unu come to work?” Old Solja asked, “yes Sir” Man answered. “unu Madam never come?” he asked again, “yes sir, she never come, so we say make we come greet you na” Man responded. “unu don try as unu come, make unu sidon na” Old Solja said offering us seat. I wondered why he replaced “una” with “unu”. Infact i lost count of how many times he mentioned the word “unu” for the five minutes we stood in front of his house. The “unu” was becoming a rhyme. “no Old Solja, no worry we go soon go sef, our Madam go soon come, this na my two friends, this one name na Flow, dis one name na Brainbox, i come show dem to you” Man added.
“ok unu don dey go?” Old solja asked, “we don dey go sir” our spokesMAN responded. “únú n’gbàmbo” Old solja mentioned the word “unu” again but this time in Ibo.