Man Wey Dey Reason Episode 49 – Flow1759
“kpooon! Kpoon!! Kpoon!” Man knocked at Kate’s door.
No response.
“e be like say she no dey oh” I said. “yes she no dey” Man said.
“wetin we go do na?” I asked. I thought his reponse would had been “when we reach there you go know”, i would had asked him “where we go reach? Heaven or Hell?”.
“make we call her” Man suggested. “you get her number?” I asked. “i get am na” Man brought out his phone.
“na you go follow her talk oh” Man stated. “guy bon that thing oh, na you go follow her talk abeg” I replied almost immediately.
“hello!!” Man begane. “it is I Man, the Man that reasons” He introduced.
“guy she know say na you na, tell her make she dey come house now, no use English, use Pidgin” I said.
“I Just wanted to ask where went you, I and my Brother Flow wanted to beg you, and told you we want to delete the Video” English was his problem, especially when it has to do with conversing with the opposite sex.
“are you coming back now, I and Flow want to tell you that we were sorry, and you should forgives us” Man threw a bomb. I almost laughed so loud, but if i did, Kate would hear from the recieving end, and she might think we were making a jest of her.
Man’s grammar was nothing to write home about. He was the opposite of a grammarian.
Legend has it that one speaks better when high on Alcohol or Weed. Truth be told, whoever listens to me speaking when i am high would think i am the son of the her majesty the Queen.
But for Man, he was the Bomb. He always let out his Ballistic missiles from his Arsenal of grammatical blunders when high.
I will never forget the day I and Man was returning from Paapa’s place and he saw this beautiful Lady walking pass us. “hey baby! My name is Chinonso, tell me your name” Man said.
“you don’t want to told me your name?” He said.
And when he continued bugging the Lady, she said, “you this J.unkie, why are you disturbing me”.
Man’s response to what she said made me almost laughed out my kidney, he said, “I am not born in June oh, my mother borned me in August”.
The Lady laughed and broke it down for the “illiterate” Man, she said, “is it not you i saw at that smoking joint smoking I’ndian H’emp, you were there na”.
“i were there” Man said, pointing a finger at himself.
“i saw you na, you were there” The Lady said.
“Flow, i were there” Man turned to Me.
Then he turned to the Lady and said, “i were not there oh, i were where i went to buy groundnut oh”, and he showed her the groundnut in his hands.
The laughter of the Lady made people around thought she was mad. I controled my laughter so that Man wouldn’t go angry.
Man’s grammar was so Hausa-ish that even if he spoke the right thing, whoever heard it would think what he spoke was wrong.
Why wouldn’t his grammar be Hausa-ish? When he spent his childhood in “Ugwu Hausa”.
Ugwu Hausa! A place where the condition of learning is so poor that school children seat under the Mango tree to learn.
Ugwu Hausa!! A place where malnutrition is the order of the day.
Ugwu Hausa!!! A place where smoking in the street is like eating groundnut in the street.
Ugwu Hausa!!!! By the way, that is what most Ibos call the North. While they call the Northerners “Ndi Ugwu” meaning “People of the Hill”. Because they have Hills in abundance.
“what did you say?” Man said to the Callee.
“Callee” is not a French word, neither is it an English word. It is a “Flow” word.
If a “Caller” is someone making a call, then a “Callee” is someone recieving the call. So says Flow.
“we should come and meet you where?” Man asked the Callee.
“okay, let us come and meet you in Riverside hotel” Man said to the Callee.
“ehn ehn ehn, you say” It seemed we were running out of airtime.
“credit don finish” Man said.
“Guy Kate say make we come meet her for Riverside hotel oh” Man informed.
“River wetin?” I asked.
“Riverside” He answered.
Riverside hotel was a nice hotel no doubt, but the hotel entertained mostly cultist. As police always paid the hotel a visit to catch cultist and robbers that came to catch fun.
“guy make we no go jor” I said.
“we go go” Man declared.
“go do wetin?” I asked.
“when we reach there you go know” He answered.
Since we had already started with the “Wahala”, it was best we ended what we started. “make we go” I said, even though i knew the Buccaneers would be there with Kate.
“where una dey go?” Begie asked us on our way out. “Riverside hotel” I replied him.
“mehn i pity una oh” Bigie said.
“no pity us, just help us hold our phone” Man said, and we handed our “personal” phones to him, and our wallets also. That was the best thing to do. Or so i tot.
The only phone with us was our “joint phone”, the phone that got us into the big “wahala”.
“Man hold the phone well oh” I told Man who held it like an Egg.
And we walked like two Robots to the dreaded Riverside hotel.
“Tochi see the two s’tubborn goat don come” Kate announced as we came close to their drinking table.
Truely, we looked like goats. Two christmas goats.
Suddenly, a guy with thick beards let out a thundering slap to Man’s head. The heavy “Wind” that came with the slap almost swept me off my feet. Infact, i thought Man would throw up his entire brain.
“na una dey give my sister wahala abi, una no want make she enjoy herself abi” the guy that slapped Man said.
“so na to dey sleep with her fellow woman nahim be say she dey enjoy herself abi?” I nearly said.
As a bald guy came close to me, i was expecting him to slap me the way Man was slapped, so i bowed my head a bit for it to be positioned well for his slap. To my greatest surprise, he sent an uppercut to my left eye.
It was light out.
It was as if i was riding on a Roller coaster.
As i tried opening my right eye to see if i was still in the physical or i had gone spiritual, he sent a hot slap to my right cheek.
My two eyes went blackout. And this time i was riding on a Mary-go-round.
Not only that, i saw Roses germinating on my right cheek.
“Flow you don dey die be that oh” I told myself.
I was hearing drumbeats by my side, i thought the hosts of heaven had rolled out the drums welcoming two guests. Or rather two goats.
But when i heard Man shouting “yeee!! Aaaaaaah!! I don die oh!!” It dawned on me that what i thought was drumbeats was the sound of Plank on Man’s head.
“wetin him do na?” I was wondering why they left me alone and was beating Man Blue Black.
“F’oulish boy, you sabi laugh abi?” one of the guys said. That was when it dawned on me that Man laughed when he was first slapped. Maybe it was because my eyes and ears were shut that was why I never saw and heard him laughed.
“Make una leave them, make we hear wetin them wan talk” Kate brought the beatings to a stop.
I managed to open my left eye to see that on Man’s face grew two Koko. One on his Forehead and one on his Nose. The one on his Nose made him looked more like Pinocchio.
“na the Video be this, make una delete am” Man was showing them the Video.
As he was showing them the Video, one of the guys came to me and asked, “you don smoke Igboh before?”. “no bros” I replied.
“ehennnn! Today you must smoke am” He stated.
What he never knew was that he was talking to Igbohbueze 1 of Igboh land.
He forced the wrap he was smoking to my lips.
“oya smoke am” he ordered.
I dragged in and pretended as if i was choking, and he started laughing, he never knew i was f’ouling him.
I puffed out like an amateur and coughed, and he laughed the more.
“you must smoke am finish oh” He stated. “bros i no go fit smoke am finish oh” I pleaded.
Show me your friend and i will tell you who you are, goes the saying. Brainbox was my friend. What would Brainbox had done in such situation? Was what i asked myself.
The wrap of weed i was smoking was “delicious”, and it was giving me inspiration. Inspiration for mischief.
“i hope say una never send the video go another phone?” Kate warned.
“we no send am go any phone, as you don delete am, the video don go be that” Man said.
Suddenly, one of them came punching Man for no reason. Maybe he saw Man’s stomach as a punching bag.
“Man see as them dey beat you, use your Taley na, abi your Taley no go work here?” I almost said. I never knew he had a plan.
Everyone to his plan. I started manifesting what i planned.
I started shaking like a Cassava leaf.
“this one don Kolo oh” Kate’s brother Tochi said.
I was staggering and shaking my head at the same time. As i removed my shirt, it dawned on them that a Mad man was with them. I also grabbed a beer bottle swiftly, smashed it on the floor, and smartly held Tochi by his neck wanting to stab him with the broken bottle in his eye.
“guy come hold your guy oh” Tochi cried.
Man came to my back, and instead of holding me, he whispered, “guy hold am well well, no leave am oh, e get wetin i wan do now” to my ear.
I turned and saw Man speaking to his ring.
Suddenly, He was saying “Forget! Forget! Forget!” as he quickly tapped their heads one after the other, including Kate.
They all instantly turned Dummies.
“Flow make we dey go, their eye go soon clear” Man beckoned.
I quickly took the two phones i saw on the table and joined Man.
On our way, i asked Man, “that FORGET wey you dey talk as you dey nak them for head, wetin e mean?”.
“e mean say them go forget everything wey happen after i nak their head with my hand” Man said.
I was happy they wouldn’t forget we had deleted the Video, but they would forget that i stole their phones.