Man Wey Dey Reason Episode 30 – Flow1759
On our way home, “Man make we enter Okada, dis my leg dey pain me” I cried bitterly.
Not only was my leg hurting, my stomach was running also.
“Flow i dey pulge oh, e get as my belle dey do me oh” Man complained. “me sef oh” I added. “how una belle no go do una anyhow, when una dey chop Ibo Kpormor una no know” Brainbox said.
“guy make we enter bush go sh’it na” I suggested. “but wetin we go use clean nyash na?” Man queried. “no worry we go use leaf” I assured.
I and Man walked, or rather I limped and Man walked into the bush while Brainbox stood at the roadside waiting for us. “make una do quick oh” Brainbox said.
Since the bush we entered was a bit far from our place of work, so it would be rare for anybody we knew to see us. Or so i tot.
Albeit, it wasn’t a thick but a shallow bush. Shallow that passers by would easily sight us from a distance.
But we cared not. Let them see, as far as we were doing ourselves the good of freeing ourselves of the troubles in vivo.
I got a spot to poo in no time. Since the poo was almost coming out of my a’nus, i quickly brought down my trousers and the watery poo came running down.
Running down like water from a tap. It was running down, and i cared not to know where it rested.
“mehn dis my s’hit dey smell no be small” I said. Man heard what i said from a distance and replied, “me sef oh, my own dey smell, Mama Calabar don finish us oh”.
My poo suddenly stopped coming out, so i pushed hard like a pregnant woman delivering, it came out, but it seemed it was dragging my Large intestine along.
Throughout the “exercise” i never thought it right to take a glimpse at the mountain that came out of my system.
Not until i was about standing up to leave.
I tried standing up, but something dragged me back.
I turned to meet an u’gly sight.
All the while, my trousers had been my toilet.
I had pood on my trousers.
Not an ordinary poo. But a “sky scrapper” poo.
Part of my poo on the floor formed a bungalow, while the rest on my trousers formed a sky scrapper.
“Man!! Man!!” i yelled at the top of my voice. “wetin na?” he responded.
“i don s’hit for my trouser eeh” I cried out.
“guy u go go house with only boxers be that oh” Man stated as he came to see the funny sight. Funny, yet he never laughed.
I was to go home with just boxers wasn’t the problem, the problem was that my boxers was torn.
“and me i no wear boxers here, i for give you, i no dey like wear boxers come do kponkpon” Man said.
We left the bush, leaving my designers jeans trouser and the sky scrapper poo.
“guy where ur trouser na?” Brainbox asked me as we came out. “guy i s’hit on top am, i don leave am there” I replied. Brainbox almost laughed his way into the express way.
“guy make we enter bike dey go house, i no want make anybody see me with this boxers oh” I said.
In no time, we waved at a bike and it stopped. Three of us were to enter just one bike. Man sat on the bike first, Brainbox was next.
And as i raised my right leg up to seat on the bike, my worst nightmare came to pass.
“braaaaaaaa!!” i initially tot it was the sound of my fart. Not until my d’ick came dangling out of a hole.
It was then i realized my boxers had turned a Skirt.
“Tupac so this kin business you dey do, nahim u no tell us since” Man said as we sat in Tupac’s Room, “nahim i dey do oh, u know say no be everybody dey sabi dis kin bussiness na, nahim make me no tell una” Tupac said, “guy na me be Flow, e no get any job wey i no go fit do, i no be Doolina na” I said.
“guys dis business make sense oh, if u buy on necklace for like 500naira, u go sell am for like 1200naira, but na if you fit yan wella make people buy” Tupac added. “guy i don tell you say we no be Doolina, we go fit do am” I said.
Doolina was a slang we said back then in school to reffer to a Dullard. If someone was a dullard, we would say the person was not a Chelsea Fc fan or a Manchester united fan but a Doolina Fc fan.
“make una no worry if i go Onitsha go buy more market, i go introduce una to the business” Tupac informed.
We left Tupac’s room to meet Tega drinking Dry gin in our room. He and Baba jay were very high, i could tell. High on 501.
Legend has it that dry gin reduces one’s lifespan and makes one looks older than his/her age. But in Tega’s case, the reverse was the case, he was growing younger with every passing day. And more handsome also.
“guy you just drink Tramadol and you wan still drink dry gin, e be like say you no like ur heart?” I told Man who was already gulping the dry gin as if it was ordinary water. “guy bone dat thing, you no know say na the dry gin go make the Tramadol work well” Man said.
Before i knew it, all my friends were drinking the dry gin. i was really tempted to take a sip. just a sip.
30minutes later, they were on their second bottle, “make i just follow una drink small na” I said and joined them.
Small soon turned Big, Big soon turned Bigger, Bigger soon turned Biggest, I was soon drinking with the Biggest cup.
What i never knew was that, inasmuch as we would all run mad, i would be the Biggest mad man.
“So u dey smoke Cigar?” Brainbox suddenly said as we continued drinking.
I initially thought he was reffering to me, because alcohol could cause one to create imaginary things. “u see cigar for my hand, abi dis 501 wey u dey drink dey make u see double?” I said to him.
He wasn’t reffering to me, he was reffering to Tega who just lit a stick of Cigarette. Dor chester to be precise.
“so Tega you dey smoke Cigar?” Man said, “ehen, na bad thing?” Tega replied. “i no like cigar, Igboh better pass cigar” Snoop stated. “na lie, Cigar better pass Igboh” Tega argued. So began a debate.
A debate inspired by dry gin.
Tega was the Chief speaker opposing the motion that said; “cigarette is more dangerous to the health than igboh”, Baba jay was his supporting speaker.
Man was the Chief speaker supporting the motion that said; “cigarette is more dangerous to the health than igboh”, I was his supporting speaker.
Since Brainbox wasn’t a smoker of neither cigarette nor Igboh, he was the Moderator.
“if Igboh no better pass cigar why dem com dey write say cigar smokers go die young for the body of cigar” Man gave a good point.
“The Federal ministry of health warns that smokers are liable to die young” was the Cliche written in every pack of Cigerette to warn smokers of the dangers of smoking cigerette.
Suddenly a fart that sounded like a drum beat came out of my a”sshole.
“u no see am? naso people wey dey smoke Igboh dey do, them no dey get sense, their sense dey dey for their nyash” Tega pointed out.
“u dey mad, make i no mess? abi u no dey mess?” I said.
My fart smelt uniquely, it smelt more like air freshener.
Or was it the dry gin we were drinking that beautified our sense of smell? because my fart had never smelt that nice all my life.
“but na true oh, Igboh smokers their brain no dey correct, but cigar smokers na correct people” Baba jay the supporting speaker said. “na ur papa no get correct brain” Snoop attacked. “no curse my papa oh, no curse my papa oh” Baba jay warned.
What baffled me wasn’t because Snoop insulted Baba jay’s father, but how Baba jay who wasn’t a smoker of Cigarette supported cigarette smoking. Or was he a secret smoker? Even if he was, like they say; “there is nothing new under the sun”.
“make i no lie for una oh, i dey taste Igboh sometimes, but no be everytime oh” Tega gave up the debate.
We won the debate. We the debaters from Igboh Secondary School, Nekede, Owerri.
Tega said the fact. because, Statistics has it that 65% of Cigarette smokers usually ends up as Igboh smokers due to their urge to get more “highness”.
“guys, i wan yan una something oh” Tega suddenly said. “wetin be the thing na” I inquired, “those things wey i bring come house wey all of us chop that morning ehnnnn” Tega added. “ehenn, wetin do the things, poison dey am?” Brainbox asked a f’oolish question.
“no, na that Officer Bimpe na she give me” Tega said, “why she give u na, u do work for her?” Snoop asked.
“ehnnn, i do work for her na, i do work for her on top bed” Tega replied.
I instantly understood what Tega was driving at. He had started eating Kpormor, not Ibo Kpormor, but the Kpormor in between Officer Bimpe’s Leg.
Even though i was drunk, i was still able to comprehend what Tega meant. But the ever Dull or rather Dollina Baba jay couldn’t comprehend what Tega meant, so he asked, “which kin work you dey do for her on top bed? shey u dey help her arrange her bedsheet?”.
We came back from work early the next day, so we decided to go work out.
“Floooooooow uuuuuuuuu get muscle oh” Tony complimented my well crafted bicets and triceps, “no be today thing na” I said.
Truely, I had been working out for long, i had been working out since i was as young as 12. Born in a military Barracks where you could find a gym in every nooks and crannies was as authomatic ticket to bacome a weightlifter, if you so wish.
“Flow how far?” someone suddenly called me afar. I turned to see it was Nas.
Nas was a guy in my deparment who had spill over like me. His Birth name was Nosike, but he changed it to a more t’ush name Nas. Nas was the opposite of the American rapper Nas. He was a shadow of the rapper in terms of looks, he was as u’gly as his bass voice. Nas was very U’gly was a known fact, but he wasn’t U’gly at heart because he had been helping me with atttendance and assignments in the first semester course i was spilling over. He too had carry over not in just two courses like me, but in so many courses. Infact he had a Trailer load of carry overs. One thing that Baffled me was that Nas was very Brilliant back then, but he still bagged home carry overs every semester.
“guy Exam na next week oh” Nas informed me. The information brought cold sweat out of my body because i couldn’t recall the last time i opened a book to read, not to talk of a Physics book. “mehn, nawa oh, how we go do am na? na ur side i dey oh?” I said. “guy me no sabi Quantum Mechnics oh” Nas replied, “guy na Mgbo we go do for the Quantum mechanics exam oh” I concluded.
Quantum mechanics is a Branch of Physics that is as hard as building a castle in the air. It is written mostly in signs. Signs that i couldn’t tell if they originated from French, Spanish, Chinese, Swahili, Yoruba, Ibo, or Hausa. I hated the course with so much passion, maybe that was why i failed it. Or maybe not.
Mgbo was a slang we said back then in school to reffer to micro chips. Micro chips are tiny sheet of papers that contained tiny written cheats taken into the exam hall, not only as a cheat but also as a reminded. Some people preffered calling it Mgbo reminder, while some others preffered calling it Expo. Expo is the National recognised name for Examination malpractice. So if i called it Expo, i would be understood all over the Cardinal points of Nigeria.
“guy i just say make i come tell u say Exam go start Next week, and Phy411 na Next week Tuesday” Nas said. “ok, you don do well, i go read na, if i no fit read, i go carry Mgbo enter the Exam” i said to Nas as i walked him out of Tony’s Compound.
Although i wasn’t a Doolina when i was in School, i was averagely sound academically or rather “physicsically”, Mgbo was not only my reminder but my helper in the exam hall.
“make we enter Paapa place go smoke na” Man suggested as we were returning from work the next day. “make una dey go make i go house to baf” Brainbox said and left us.
We got to Paapa’s place to meet Tupac and Bigie.
“how far, una just dey come from work?” They both shook hands with us. “yes oh, we say make we reach here na, e don tay” Man said and we sat down.
Smoke your pains away, people often said. I had a pain waiting ahead, that pain was Quantun Mechnics. Such a pain couldn’t just fly with the flames even if i smoked 50 jumbo wraps.
“guy u go fit stop to dey smoke igboh so?” Tupac asked Bigie, “i no go fit oh, i like igboh well well” Bigie replied. “guy, me i go soon stop Igboh oh, Igboh no get gain, i no say e no go tay before i go stop am” I said, “abeg bone that thing jor, once a smoker, always a smoker” Man said.
He was right, “once a smoker, always a smoker”. Only if that smoker is unrepentant.
I believe in one thing in Life; a bad habit you started yourself, no one on earth would successfully help you stop it but yourself. And when the time is ripe for you to stop, no Jupiter could hinder you from stopping.
In my case, my time was almost ripe, i could tell. I knew i wouldn’t spend more than 2years in Igboh Secondary School before i graduate.
“make we buy small Igboh wey we go put for the Spagetti and Beans wey Baba jay say him go cook dis night” Man suggested. “no wahala, buy like 500naira own na” I said offering Man 200naira.
As we left Paapa’s place, Tupac said, “guys, una don hear this Tupac song, the name na Keep ya head up”. “we never hear am oh” Man answered. Tupac started playing the song on his phone.
Suddenly Bigie said, “abeg wetin Tupac dey sing, Tupac na r’ubbish musician jor”. “i don hear, Bigie wey no get mind, shey him fit collect 5 bullets for him chest and still survive?” Tupac said. So began a roof raising argument.
Inasmuch as my friends Tupac and Bigie took the names after the late American rappers, they were also die hard fans of the rappers. They mastered the lyrics of every of their songs, they behaved like them, they dressed like them, infact they practically worshiped them as they had two Big wallpapers of Lesane Paris Crooks a.k.a Tupac Amaru Shakur and Christopher Wallace a.k.a Bigie Smalls hung on their wall.
One thing that baffled me about these two guys were their countless Verbal attacks on each other just because of their mini-gods; Tupac and Bigie. Their arguments were mainly; who sang better between the two late rappers?
If i was to say, Tupac was a better rapper than Bigie. Tupac was more hard knocks than Bigie. I loved Tupac’s songs than the songs of Bigie. But just that Igboh a.k.a m’arijuana was part of what ruined their promising singing careers.
Legend has it that when Igboh is eaten along with any food, it could be very medicinal.
Medicinal, and also it could do wonders to non smokers, it could ruin their careers/ministries.
But in Pkc’s case, it was his ministry. Spagetti and Beans garnished with Igboh almost ruined his ministry.