Man Wey Dey Reason Episode 26 – Flow1759
“aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!! Nwayo Nwayo Nwayo!!” Madam Ifeoma m’oaned as loud as a bedside Alarm clock.
Nwayo means Gently in English.
Gently my foot!! How would i perform gently when my horse power was raised to power ten?
As i inserted my sledge hammer into her Honey pot for the kick off of round two, it was as if my sledge hammer had increased in height, it was as if her Honey pot gave my sledge hammer the required photosynthesis to grow. I felt it was touching either her heart or her liver, or both.
“aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!! Charankpasatgehe!!” She begane to speak in tongues. It was then i realized i was gradually killing someone’s Mum, so i reduced the level at which i inserted my sledge hammer, in other for it not to pluck out her heart.
“A lobourer in Nekede killed his Employer while having sex with her” would be what the tabloid would flash the next day as headline. “e no fit happen jor” i assured myself.
I rolled her over to resume Season three. And I instantly percieved that Old solja’s bed smelt not like s’kunk but like Urine. “abi dis old man dey piss for bed?” i asked myself.
“but why be say dis woman no dey smell the bad smell wey i dey smell? And why she like dis Old solja room well well? abi Old solja dey wayah her for dis room?” I was asking myself as she lay pliant in my arms.
Suddenly she moved her hand to caress my sledge hammer and said, “i like dis big thing, it reminds me of my late husband”. “wetin be dis one na? Why u dey compare my p’rick with the p’rick of person wey don die na?” i almost said.
“ur husband is dead?” I asked, “yeah, he died 10years ago, leaving me with three children, a boy and two girls” She said, and i could see cloud of tears in her eyes, so i concluded i wouldn’t ask further questions.
She stood up to dress up, and i lay watching her n”aked Television size Ikebe as it bounced as if it wanted to fall off. “Seventeen! Eighteen! Nineteen! Seventeen! Eighteen! Nineteen” I sang in my mind. But one thing i noticed was that, though she was a bit fair in complexion, her Ikebe was black, as black as charcoal, “wetin cause am na?” I asked myself.
As i stood up to get dressed also, i noticed something.
My sledge hammer had gone down. Even less than its normal size. I tot it wasn’t mine, maybe someone stole mine, or did it drown in Madam Ifeoma’s swimming pool? It was looking more like “Kuli Kuli”. “so naso Ike Nwoke dey work? If person don use him p’rick finish, the thing go com small” i tot.
It was looking so tiny, that i quickly wore my trousers in other for Madam Ifeoma not to see my Sledge hammer or rather Toy hammer and scream that she just made Love to a magician.
I got to the site and saw that Man had meet up with me, he was mixing his Eleventh bag.
As i was about to resume work, Old solja came close to me and whispered, “Flowa make u no work again, go rest, u no go get power to work as you don go do that thing”.
So many questions were running in my mind.
Questions like; How come Old solja knew i was f”ucking Madam Ifeoma? How come he offered me and my friends Ike Nwoke that morning? Why didn’t he Offer Ike Nwoke to Ochabuorie and Igbakwambo? Was Madam Ifeoma aware i drank Ike Nwoke earlier?
And last but not the least; Was Old solja F”ucking Madam Ifeoma?
If he was, then it only meant he wanted to die at 75.
Obele’s place was the place to be after a hectic work and a handsome pay.
“Obele how far?” Man greeted, “i dey oh, how una want am na?” Obele asked. “na our usual oh, Indomie and Egg, the egg go plenty oh” Man ordered.
“MAN United get match today oh, we get match with Everton” I said, “omoh that Match go make sence oh, shebi na by 7:45?” Brainbox asked, “yes na 7:45, guy we need to win that match so we go still remain for top of table oh” I said.
“Obele do the Indomie quick quick oh, before hungry go finish us here” Man yelled. “guys, how una see am, make we buy Zobo take nak dis indomie and egg na” Brainbox suggested, “na true oh, e go make sense oh, e go bring back our blood wey don comot for our body” I said, “ok, Flow take money go buy the Zobo come from that shop before Obele go finish to do the Indomie” Man offered me 500naira note.
Man was beginning to be too benevolent for confort.
Zobo is a reddish drink that is made from a plant. The plant is mostly grown in the Northern part of Nigeria.
As i walked down to get the Zobo drink, an idea dropped.
“shebi u know say dem no dey seal the Zobo container? try make u piss for Brainbox Zobo, shebi u know wetin him do you” my evil mind suggested.
It was pay back time.
But the problem was how i would pee into Brainbox’s Zobo without someone seeing me. And also how i would make sure Brainbox drank from the Zobo i peed into.
“Madam, where i go fit piss abeg? piss dey catch me well well” I asked the Zobo seller after she gave me the drinks, “go for the back of that shop, piss for there, na there people dey piss” She replied pointing at a shop. I paid her and left.
As i got there, i was glad nobody was urinating there, it was just me.
I quickly grabbed one of the Zobo container, opened it, drank out of it to reduce the content, then as i started to pee into the container, someone walked in. A chubby Man.
“Good morning sir” I greeted when it was Evening. The Man saw what i was doing and he stared at me in a strange way, maybe he tot i was mad.
“na doctor say make i piss for container come, say him wan do lab test” I said to the Chubby man with a smile. He strayed his eyes to the other two containers i kept on the floor, “those ones na dem my friends piss” I said without thinking.
Without thinking that, how on earth would our urine be as reddish as Zobo, unless of course we were Vampires. And how on earth would the pee of I and my friends fill half litre containers each, unless of course we were horses.
It seemed the Chubby man fell for my lies, because he didn’t mention a word until he left, or was he d’umb?
Legend has it that Zobo gives blood. Brainbox would sure get blood to the fullest. Zobo mixed with Urine? Maybe he would get Goat blood.
“Brainbox na ur own Zobo be dis” I stamped the mixture in front of Brainbox as he continued eating the Indomie and egg. “Man na ur own Zobo be dis” i gave Man his.
We were half way through the Indomie and egg when, “Flow u dey mad oh, u give Brainbox the Zobo wey cold abi?” Man said swapping his Zobo drink with Brainbox’s Urine/Zobo mixture, “Man all of them cold na” I said, “But Brainbox own cold pass jor” Man replied and opened it to drink.
Maybe the Urine in the Zobo drink made it more chilled. Maybe.
“Man!! No drink am, i piss inside” I almost shouted.
But it was too late, he already drank it.
“why the Zobo dey taste like dis na? E no sweat” Man complained wearing a poo face.
“why e go sweat, when u don drink piss, Mumu boy” I almost said.
“but my own sweat oh” Brainbox said.
I had hit the wrong target. Brainbox’s Guardian angels were really vigilant.
Maybe i would get better luck next time. Only if such opportunity comes again.
We got home to meet a full house. Including MOG.
We took our bath and we were off to watch football. On our way, we met Snoop. Not Snoop alone, but Snoop and a lady.
“Snoop how far?” I shook hands with Snoop. “how una rice and beans job today?” Snoop asked. “Snoop u dey mad oh, why u dey talk rice and beans for where dis fine girl dey, u want make she know the kind job wey we dey do?” I almost said. Well, maybe she would assume we were dealers of rice and beans, or maybe not.
“rice and beans business make sense oh, u know say na only us be the number one dealers of rice and beans for dis town, e no easy for us oh” Man tried to cover up to impress the beautiful lady. I almost laughed.
“shey dem Tupac dey house?” Snoop asked, “ehnn dem dey house” Brainbox replied.
I knew why Snoop asked that, he wanted to know if their room would be free for him to have a q’iuckie with the Lady. Or so i tot.
Too bad!! Tupac was in the room with a Lady.
While we were returning from work, we saw Tupac entered the compound with a Lady, and from the look of things, it seemed the Lady came for Mbonchi.
Mbonchi was a slang we said back then reffering to when a Lady came to pass a night in a guy’s place. Ubochi can literary be translated to mean Day break. But i wondered where the “M” and the “N” came from.
So it meant “no show” for Snoop, unless of course he wanted to have s’ex with the Lady in our room with seven guys present.
That was impossible, or so i tot.
We came back after watching the football match, of which MAN U drew 1-1.
“oooh! Snoop i like ur friends, they are very funny” the Lady said after Brainbox gave a punchline. Brainbox would automatically turn a comedian once he was around a Lady.
Brainbox could even be funnier than Basketmouth the comedian, only if his audience were all Ladies.
Brainbox continued making the Lady laugh, although i contributed a bit of my laughter to him, “so that him comedy career no go just die like that” because his jokes were dry to me.
Suddenly the Lady i later got to know her name was Jane said, “Snoop darling, i will pass a night with you”. She said it with a “sexy” voice, and not very loud, so i tot she wasn’t serious.
Joke of the century.
Maybe Snoop told her he stayed alone. Why na?
Mbonchi 101.
“u stay in this compound?” Jane suddenly asked Brainbox the comedian, and i instantly realized why she wanted to pass the night, she tot we were all visitors in Snoop’s room. “na him room be dis na, na all of us dey stay this room na” I almost said.
Her question gave the room a graveyard silence.
I saw Snoop sweating profusely. Sweat of “yawa”. Yawa don gas.
But why would guys like lying to Ladies that they own heaven and earth when they own nothing? I don’t belong to the school of tot that believes a Lady would fall for you because of what you have or what you do for a living. Even if i was a proffesional kpokponist, i wouldn’t lie to a Lady that i was a proffesional Journalist. Afterall, they say: “love me, love my dogs”.
But why would Snoop tell Jane he was the only occupant of the room? A room he never contributed a dime for the house rent.
Or was he reffering to Tupac and Bigie’s room?
That was the beginning of our woes. All thanks to Snoop.
Pkc came in after seeing MOG off and whispered to my ears, “who is she?”, “na Snoop junior sister, she go sleep here today” I whispered back to Pkc.
It was bed time.
The sleeping formation was 3-2-2. Lucky enough, Tega didn’t sleep at home that night, only God knew where he slept.
The 3-2-2 formation made up of Baba jay, Man and Pkc on the mattress by the right, Snoop and his sister from another mother was on the mattress by the left. While I and Brainbox slept in between both mattresses on the Floor. I wondered why Snoop gave a space in between both mattresses. Maybe he never wanted those lying on the other bed to roll over to their side.
Although i slept on the Floor, i had a sweet dream. I think i ate Fried rice and Chicken in the dream. A food that had been long i ate last.
I was eating the Fried rice and Chicken washing it down with a bottle of Udeme, when a noise brought be back to reality, “kai so na dream” i tot.
I initially tot it was Pkc with his usual mid night prayers.
The noise was coming from the left side of the room. Where Snoop and Jane slept.
It wasn’t an ordinary noise, someone was moaning.
They were having a silent q’ickie.
The noise wasn’t that loud enough to wake everyone up, but it was loud enough to wake me up because i was lying close to them.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! Fuuuuuu!” Snoop was p’umping Jane, and it made a noise like the noise a ballon that was inflated would make.
I was enjoying the pleasant noise, but i needed more than just hearing so i opened my eyes to see that Snoop was on top and Jane was below. They looked like two dogs having s’ex.
They were so close that if i stretched my hand, it would touch Jane’s B”reast.
I needed more than just hearing and seeing. I needed my piece of the action. I needed to touch. I needed to complete the Five senses. Hearing, seeing, touching, smelling, and if the need be tasting.
I rolled over and pretended i was unconcious, as i did that, i stretched my hand to see if i could touch Jane’s over ripe B”reast.
Omoh! My hand no reach oh.
It seemed Snoop knew what i was up to so he put on the torch light and beamed the light to see if everybody was sleeping.
He confirmed everybody was sleeping, including me. because as he beamed the light on my eyes i caught sleep instanta. Or partial sleep.
I woke up from partial sleep to continue watching my late night movie. A movie Snoop was playing the lead role. He was indeed playing the lead role as i could see him sweating profusely.
My eyes were wide open when all of a sudden, power was restored(NEPA bring light, for those of una wey no dey understand English). The light really blurred my eyes.
The 60watt bulb that hung on our ceiling came alive giving the room a glow.
I could see clearly.
“NEPA una get sense jor” i tot. Not until Snoop stood up to switch off the light.
As the light went off, i mistakenly said, “ooooooooh!!”.
Snoop beamed the torch light again to my eyes, and i caught partial sleep again. It seemed he was aware i was watching them. He was aware i wasn’t asleep.
“Snoop darling, why don’t we go to the bathroom to continue, it seems one of ur friend is watching us, am not confortable with that” Jane said suddenly.
“Snoop, say NO, Snoop, say NO” I was wishing Snoop would say NO to Jane’s suggestion.
“ok darling lets go” Snoop agreed.
“Snoop u be Mumu oh, see as woman dey control u” I cursed within me.
Legend has it that S’ex is better enjoyed while taking a shower.
Since we had a Shower in the bathroom. And the Shower only worked when there was Electricity supply, because that was only when our “standby” borehole starts pumping water.
What it meant was that Snoop and Jane were headed for S’ex in the Shower.
And i was headed for “Flatscreen”.
I glanced at the wall clock, it was 1:30am.
1:30am and i was still awake.
Even if i tried sleeping, i wouldn’t wink a sleep because i had murdered sleep.