Man Wey Dey Reason Episode 25 – Flow1759
“Man i wan buy phone wey i go dey manage oh, where i go fit buy am na?” I asked Man as we sat under the Mango tree, “no wahala, e get where i go carry you go, u go buy am cheap” Man responded. “where be that?” I inquired.
“when we reach there you go know” Man answered how best he knew how to answer such question.
As I and Man were about leaving the compound, we saw Bigie also going out holding a laptop. “Bigie where you dey go na?” Man asked Bigie, “i dey go Ade place, i wan go sell dis laptop” Bigie answered. “we sef na Ade place we dey go, Flow say him wan buy small cheap phone wey him go dey manage” Man informed.
As the three of us walked to Ade’s barbers shop, i was wondering if Ade’s barbers shop had a section where they sold phones and laptops. Or was it another Ade? I couldn’t ask Man because i already knew what his response would be, “when we reach there u go know”.
“wait oh, Bigie where you see laptop wey u wan go sell for Ade shop?” Man asked Bigie. “na person dash me” Bigie replied.
“Oleh!! How person go dash you laptop. U don go thief laptop, u wan com sell am, God dey watch you oh” I held my tongue from mentioning that.
It reminded me of what Man told I and Brainbox while we were kpokponing in the site one day. Very funny but true.
It was about the addictive life style of pilfering and womanizing Bigie and Tupac lived.
He said Tupac and Bigie went for a Job interview to occupy two positions in a newly constructed Big Hotel. The positions were Hotel Manager and Hotel Accountant. It was very certain that they would get the job because they were friends with a friend of the owner of the hotel.
As Bigie was interviewed, the beautiful pen of his interviewer developed wings and flew into his pocket. Just because of that singular act, he was disqualified instantly. How could a robber become a Hotel Accountant?
As for Tupac, his interviewer was a lady putting on a mini skit. The lady sat close to Tupac that her fresh laps were smiling at Tupac. Tupac answered all her questions correctly, not until he stretched out his hand to c’aress the lady’s laps. The lady gave him a dirty slap, and called the guards that dragged him out. How could a womanizer become a Hotel Manager?
So that was how they lost such mouth watering opportunity. Despite the fact that they had been looking for such a handsome pay job since they finished serving for more than two years.
Even at that, Tupac was still womanizing. He had even graduated to visiting “Azu Nepa” regularly.
Azu Nepa was a place were sex was sold. It was a p”rostitute house. Their motto was: “it is cool to f”uck”. The name Azu Nepa came to be because the p”rostitute house was located at the back of Nepa office.
As for Bigie, if he told me the Legendary highway robber Lawrence Anini was his role model, i would believe him. Bigie’s kleptomaniac attitude to life was really alarming. He needed deliverance. My prayer for him was that he shouldn’t graduate to become a MOPO.
“Ade how far, we wan buy phone, come arrange us anyhow phone” Man said as we got to Ade’s Barbars shop.
It was the same Ade we had a hair cut in his shop last week, but what i wanted to know was how he became a phone dealer.
“which type una want na, the ones wey be 1500 or 1000, abi na the ones wey be 500?” Ade said. “So 500naira phone dey? Abi na charger him mean?” I asked myself.
“Ade bring 1000naira own for dis my friend, me na 500naira own i wan arrange” Man said to Ade.
Ade went in and came out with two bags, “dis na the 1000naira own, dis na the 500naira own, make una choose the one wey una want” Ade handed us the bags.
I tot the phones for 1000naira would all be an eyesaw. They weren’t that bad. They were the kind of phone I could get for 3000naira in the market. My question was, where Ade got all these phones from. A question i promised myself i would ask Man after we might had left Ade’s shop, atleast he wouldn’t respond his usual way.
I selected a Nokia torch phone, so did Man, but Man’s own was held together with a rubber band. Apart from that, no much difference between our phones, or so i tot.
“Oga Ade, give me 50k for dis Laptop, na Hp laptop be dis oh” Bigie was bargaining with Ade. “i don tell you say na 40k i go give you, one guy don come dis morning na 35k i buy dis type laptop for him hand, na because u be my customer nahim make me put the price for 40k, if not na 35k i for buy am” Ade said.
Wow!! I was swept off my foot. How on earth could such a “clean” laptop be sold for 40k or even 50k? Was i dreaming? Ade was really a good business man, little wonder he had a Volk wagen Golf car parked outside.
“Man where Ade dey get all these phones na?” I asked as we left Ade’s shop. “na people dey come sell them the phone to am na, see ehen, e no get anything for dis life wey u no fit buy for Ade shop, even if u wan buy motor sef him go sell for you” Man explained.
“Bigie as you don get 40k for your pocket, carry us go drink na, no be bad thing na” Man said, “no be 40k Ade give me, na 30k, him say if him sell the laptop him go give me the remaining 10k, but anyhow sha i go carry una go drink, una be my correct guys na” Bigie said. “Bigie yor!!” “Bigie yor!!” We hailed.
That was one thing i loved Bigie for. Though he was a notorious pilferer, he had a open hands, he gives to people in need. Maybe that was the reason why he was hardly caught in the stealing act. Man had told I and Brainbox few days ago that whenever we are in need of money, we should go to Bigie, he never lacked money. He was like the Bank amongst us. “when u don owe am money for long time, him go dash u the money, him no go collect am again” were the exact words Man used in describing how Bigie was benevolent in nature. No wonder he never lacked, Nature’s law must stand: “blessed is the hands that giveth”, even if the hands giveth a stolen money.
We were on our third bottle, when all of a sudden Bigie counted out some of the money and stamped it on the table, i initially tot the money was for the drinks, until he said, “make una two manage this money”. “Bigie yor!! Bigie yor!!” we cheered.
We were on our fifth bottle and it was getting dark, when all of a sudden a guy came walking towards us, i initially tot he was the waiter, maybe it was because i was very high. “ehen, wetin u want? We never drink finish, if we drink finish we go pay you” I said.
“u dey mad? i resemble bar man for you eye” the guy replied me.
All of a sudden, the guy grabbed Bigie by his shirt and said, “God don catch u today, where my laptop?”. “i no take ur laptop, go find who take ur laptop” Bigie replied as i could see fear in his eyes.
“bros him don tell u say him no take ur laptop, leave am na” Man said.
Before i could say Jack Robinson, the guy smashed a bottle on the floor and said, “i go chok u dis bottle if u no mind ur business” he was reffering to Man.
Before i could say another Jack Robinson, the guy’s friends came to join him speaking language.
We were doomed.
I tried my best not to say another Jack Robinson before i ran or rather “raned” according to Man.
Man raned also.
We left the benevolent Bigie to carry his cross, afterall we weren’t there when he stole the Laptop.
We got home to meet Pkc. Just Pkc and Baba jay.
“Pkc u no sleep for church today?” Man asked a n’onesense question.
“i was told u guys were robbed, and Chief Ogbonna was killed” Pkc said, “naso we see am oh, dem those M’umu come kill that good man oh” Man said. “what a pity, may his Soul rest in peace” Pkc said.
“Since i came back something had been smelling in this room, a very bad Odour” Pkc said.
For real, the room was smelling.
“hmnnnnn Abi rat don die?” Man said, “if na rat die make we look for am na” Baba jay said.
As we begane searching, Man said, “how rat go die when we no put rat poison?” “you no know say some of the rubbish food wey we dey chop for dis house, if rat chop am, the rat go die?” I said.
“but wait oh, the thing no dey smell like rat wey die oh, e dey smell like s’hit, abi person s’hit for toilet wey no flush am?” Man said. “i have checked the toilet, it is well flushed” Pkc responded.
As we continued searching what seemed like a fruitless search, Man suddenly said, “Flow na for inside ur Bag the rat die, na from there the smell dey come from”. “Man u dey mad, how rat go die for my bag na? na ur bag nahim rat go die, no be my bag” I cursed.
“Flow na true oh, na from ur bag the smell dey come from” Baba jay confirmed.
I came closer and dragged my bag with the tip of my finger.
At that moment, Pkc walked out, maybe he ran for his dear Lungs. because the smell in the room could damage not only the Lungs but the Kidney also.
“hmnnnnnn!!!” “hmnnnnnnn!!” was the noise Man and Baba jay made trying to catch their breathe.
“why you pour spit for my body na?” I yelled at Man who spat on me. “no vex abeg, na because of the smell” Man replied. “so my body nahim be the thing wey dey smell? So na my body the rat wey die dey abi?” I queried Man. “e be like say your body sef don follow dey smell oh” Man said, and i quickly percieved my cloth to comfirm if what he said was true.
“my cloth no dey smell like rat wey die abeg, me wey i spray Tega perfume for dis shirt” I said.
“Flow open the bag na, make we know wetin dey smell for inside” Baba said.
“nahim i wan open so” I replied and my hand went for the zip of the bag.
As i opened the bag, the stench that flew to my nose was the kind of stench that could not only damage one’s Lungs and Kidney, but shutdown one’s entire symtem.
I couldn’t tell the bad spirit that made me hurriedly dipped my hand into the bag without thinking.
My hand came in contact with something that i assumed could be Eba or over done Beans.
I brought out my hand to see it wasn’t Eba, neither was it over done Beans.
It was poo.
Fresh poo.
Someone had pood on my bag.
Who else could it be if not Brainbox.
Wonderful Brainbox.
Brainbox, the King of mischief.
Man and Baba jay laughed their way out of the room.
I instantly recalled Brainbox threat, “Flow i go show you”. He had done his worse.
Like a pidgin English Adage goes: “first to do, e no dey pain, last to do nahim dey pain”. And the English version of the same Adage goes: “He who laughs last, laughs best”
The next morning, after praise and worship Pkc said, “Man pray for us”.
Oh! Not again. Not Man again.
“Baba God, we praise ur name oh, na u be Chairman wey dey heaven, Baba God i wan tell u say u too much, nahim make me want make you send fire make e burn those Mumu wey come kill Chief. Baba i no wan ask you too much, i just want make u do dis ones wey i don ask……………. In Jesus name” Man prayed. “AMEN” we chorused.
“Flow we go reach site today oh, my mind dey tell me say work don start, u know say our phone no dey, maybe Madam Ifeoma don dey try our number” Man said that morning. “i go follow una go oh” Baba jay said suddenly. “Follow who? Abeg we no want person wey go die for our hand oh” I said.
As usual, after taking breakfast at Mama Calabar canteen, we walked slowly to the site.
We met Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie. “Man why una no come work yesterday?” Ochagbuorie asked, “work dey yesterday?” Brainbox asked. “work dey na, Madam Ifeoma even say she don dey try una number since but e no dey go” Igbakwambo said. “na those mumu thief wey come our house come thief our phone oh” Man said.
“but sha we no do too much work, na just the body work we do, we don do the body reach window and door lintel, carpenter don nak plywood for the lintel and him nak plywood for the pillar sef, Madam Ifeoma say today we go cast rice and beans pour for inside the plywood wey the carpenter nak” Ochagbuorie informed.
Madam Ifeoma came and we explained to her why we were absent from work the previous day.
As we headed for the changing room to change to our kponkpon clothes, we met Old solja, “how unu dey” He greeted, “Old solja we dey fine oh, how ur body?” I said, “my body dey strong oh, that na because i dey drink Ike Nwoke” Old solja said.
“wetin be Ike Nwoke?” Man asked, “nahim be dis thing wey dey dis bottle” Old Solja pointed at a big bottle containing a brownish liquid.
“dis Ike Nwoke na powerful drink oh, if unu dey drink am, unu go dey do unu work well well, and unu go fit do plenty bag of kpokpon, nahim i dey drink wey make me dey get power to do my security work for night” Old solja explained. “Old solja, u sure of dis thing wey u dey talk” Brainbox inquired, “i sure na, u no know say if i wan dey follow unu do kponkpon i fit follow unu do for dis my age, i be 75years but i get strenght pass unu” Old solja said.
True talk!! he never looked 75 to me, he looked more like 35. All thanks to Ike Nwoke.
Ike Nwoke in Ibo language means Man Power in English.
“Make unu try am, and unu go see as unu go work well well today” Old solja offered the container to Man.
Man stared at it for a moment, and collected a cup from Old solja and poured out half of the liquid into the cup, he drank it reluctantly, he passed it to Brainbox who drank little or nothing. From the look in their faces, i concluded the drink wasn’t bitter.
When it was my turn to drink, Old solja said, “Flowa drink all, i go go buy another one dis evening”. So i gulped down a cup. A full cup.
“even sef, na Ike Nwoke make all dis small small girls no gree me rest sef, because my thing strong like bamboo” Old solja said.
“why u no talk like that before i drink am, i for no drink am, i no want my thing to strong like bamboo, me wey i no get babe wey i go wayah with the bamboo” I almost said.
After we finished changing, Old solja said, “make unu go work, unu go work well well”.
Yes, i wanted to mix thousands of Rice and beans. But i never wanted a bamboo-like d’ick.
How i wished i could turn back the hands of time.
We started mixing Rice and Beans.
The Ike Nwoke drink i drank gave me excess strength. Within 30minutes i was on my second bag.
And within 1hour i was on my fourth bag. Even the Legendary Igbakwambo could not meet up my pace.
“Flow, dis one wey you and Man dey work well well, wetin una take?” Igbakwambo asked me. “na Tea we take oh” I responded, “which kin Tea una take today wey una never take before? We sef dey take Tea oh” Ochagbuorie said. “na Japanese Tea we take, the name of the Japanese Tea na Tea IN” Man said and i laughed.
I guess he meant Tramadol Ike Nwoke. A new code name for Old Solja’s Elixir. A code name that sure sounded Japanese.
I was on my Tenth bag within some hours, Man followed with Nine bags. Brainbox was progressing in a Snail pace with just Four bags. “u think say you wise? when we dey drink planty Ike Nwoke, u just drink only small, how you think say e go work” I almost said to Brainbox.
As i started my Eleventh bag, something started happening.
My volcano started erupting.
My third leg started growing.
It instantly dawned on me that the other side of Ike Nwoke or rather Tea IN had started manifesting.
My kpokpon trouser was torn in between the legs, so my John Thomas was growing so fast to reach the Big hole, maybe to catch photosynthesis, just maybe.
I changed my walking step because the number of legs i had were increased from two to three. Another leg had being created.
Suddenly, the third leg popped its u’gly head out through the big hole in my trouser.
“which kin wahala be dis na” i tot as i sent it back with my hand. It went in, after it was “painted” unknowingly with the cement in my hand.
I was glad nobody saw it popped out, not even the ever vigilant Madam Ifeoma. Or so i tot.
At that moment, I remembered the day i saw Old solja’s huge s’crotal sack, and his bamboo-like p”enis through his torn trouser. “no wonder Old solja p”rick big well well, na because of Ike Nwoke” i told myself.
If my d’ick was that huge, what about Man’s d’ick, how would it look like? Maybe it would look like a tree stem? Maybe. As i took a quick glimpse at what was in between Man’s leg, i was right, it looked like he was carrying a tree stem in between his leg. And he wore a look that seemed he was in pains, that the load was too much for him to carry.
I hurriedly finished the bag i started. And as i was walking to a shade to rest a bit, and also think of how to maybe tie my third leg to either the first or the second leg, Madam Ifeoma came close to me and whispered, “why don’t you put that thing to work, it is hungry and needs food, don’t keep me waiting”.
I understood what she meant. It was time for “Jangolova”.
My third leg sure needed food. But not a swimming pool-like food.
I was sure it would perform well this time and it wouldn’t swim in Madam Ifeoma’s extra large Honey well like the last time.