Man Wey Dey Reason Episode 24 – Flow1759
“Where were you all on the night of Chief Ogbonna’s murder?” A male Officer asked us. I saw from his name tag that his name was Officer Tunde.
“we were at home, all of us” I replied.
“so since u were all at home, what happened between 2300hours and 1am” Another Officer asked. From his name tag, i saw that his name was a tongue twister. His name had more consonants than vowels. According to what i saw, his name was Ejunykpokpo, sounded like “Enjoying kponkpon”. Because the name sounded funny, i smiled.
“why are u smiling, do u think we are here for joke?” the Female officer yelled at me.
“no Aunty Officer, naso my face dey. If i no dey smile, e go be like say i dey smile” I replied.
Her name wasn’t Aunty Officer, but Aunty Officer Bimpe, sorry, Officer Bimpe(miss) according to her name tag. That meant she wasn’t married. “who go marry you sef, u think say any Ibo boy go marry O”femmanu girl like you?” I mistakenly said with a low voice, like i whispered it loud enough for my friends seating close to me to hear and not loud enough for the Officers to hear. It was a slip of tongue. So my friends laughed.
“what did u say?” Officer Bimpe yelled at me and stood up. She even brought out koboko. Koboko a.k.a horse whip a.k.a chop and clean mouth.
“so na me u wan flog koboko, dem no born you well make you flog me” I couldn’t say that.
“i say what did u say” she yelled raising her hand as if she wanted to flog me.
Though she had not flogged me yet, but in the spiritual realm she had already flogged me and i could feel the “tingling senstation” of the pain in my back.
So in other for the spiritual not to turn physical, i instantly switch on my “lie clock” to figure out the best lie to say. TIC………..TOCK, TIC……….TOCK, went my lie clock. Finally the clock stopped at about 1759hours.
“i said you are a very beautiful woman and you will make a good wife” I answered.
“i tot u said something else” Officer Bimbe said and sat down. “that is what he said” my guys defended me.
“so naso woman for flog me koboko, God forbid!” i tot.
“now what happened between 2300hours and 1am” Officer Enjoying Kpokpon or rather Ejunykpokpo asked.
Tega started explaining with a mind blowing grammer.
With words that could run one’s stomach.
Mehn! Tega could speak. A grammarian indeed if i must say. That kin Yanky English.
“Private Foxy!!”, “Yes sir!”. “Corporal Rap maestro!!”, “yes sir!” “Sergeant 4kizo!”, “yes sir!”. All of u should take Bigflamie to the guard room, deal with him seriously, make una give am hot jollof rice chop, una hear me? “yes sir!!”.
Cute bliss(with her hands on Flow’s broad chest): darling Flow! Pls forgive Bigflamie, he will not do it again, pls darling.
Flow: Bigflamie, na Cute bliss my wife nahim save u today, if not mosquito for use you do suya for guard room. Soldiers, make una leave am, i don forgive am. “yes sir!!”
*Thinking deeply* but wait oh, e be like say Bigflamie don dey chop my wife Cute bliss kpormor oh.
“we were sleeping momentarily and joyously, when the inconsiderate touts of the criminal underworld came calling, we all welcomed them to our humble abode with a bow and a pustrate as the King they were. They asked us if we had legal tenders to offer them, and we told them that a fardin wasn’t with us. Althrough we remained unflappable and predictably silent even after my necklace and wrist watch went to the Real owners. Until all of a sudden, a trigger was pulled at the next room as the crow fly. After the gentlemen on black had gone, with so much stampede we rushed out to meet the gruesome, unholy and unfathomable murder of Chief, it was indeed a gory sight” Tega narrated what caused me headache instantly.
I couldn’t tell what controled my both hands to come together to produce a clap. Others joined me clapping.
“stop clapping!!” Officer Tunde yelled at us and we stopped clapping.
At that moment, i suddenly noticed Officer Bimpe winked. I tot she was winking at me, so i winked back.
“wow! You can speak” Officer Bimpe said and winked again. I instantly realized she initially didn’t wink at me, but at Tega who was seating behind me. “why dis one dey cut eye for Tega na, abi na because of dat small english wey Tega scatter? I fit speak am abeg” i said to myself.
I just couldn’t tell why i hated her guts from that moment onward.
Maybe it was because i was envious of the fact that she was falling for Tega’s looks, his words and his intonation.
“so who else can tell us his own version of the incident?” Officer Ejunykpokpo said. “e be like say this Officer no understand the Big grammar wey Tega scatter oh” I mistakenly said with a low voice and my guys laughed.
I just couldn’t tell why my brain couldn’t control what came out of my mouth, i just couldn’t tell why.
“what did u just say?” Officer Ejunykpokpo queried.
My lie clock told me to say, “i said my friend here will tell you his own version of the incident” pointing at Man.
“ok, go ahead, lets hear you” Officer Ejonykpokpo said.
“ehen, Officer no be say i no fit speak English like Tega oh, but una gree make i use pidgin English nak una the tori?” Man asked. “go ahead” Officer Tunde said.
“mehn! As we dey wayah better sleep oh, naso dem the mumu come show face. Them ask us weda we get money, we say we no get. The two of them wey enter our room be long throat sotey dem chop our food, one of dem even give me slap wey make my head begin heavy me like say i carry four people head. The one wey pain me pass be say them the f”ool carry our fine fine shoe, them even carry my waka about shoe wey i bring from Sokoto” Man narrated the pidgin English version of what Tega narrated earlier and even more.
The Officers went to Mama and Papa Ejima’s room to also question them.
After about 30minutes Officer Bimpe came to us and said, “i will like one of u to come with us to the station to make a written statement of the incident”.
Before she finished saying that, Man said, “make i follow una Officer”. “for where! make i com go station, make dem com say make i pay money to write statement, i no dey go anywhere” i said to myself.
“not you, we need someone that can write, i think you can come with us” Officer Bimpe said pointing at Tega.
As Tega left with her, “yeeeeeeeh!! Man see as the Officer yab you, oboy na big insult oh” Snoop said and we laughed at Man.
“Snoop, you wey dey talk, you know English pass me?” Man said. “why i no go know English pass you, me wey na English i read for IMSU” Snoop replied. “Ok if na true say you read English for IMSU, tell me the past tense of Run?” Man asked. “that na primary two question na, the answer na Ran” Snoop replied.
“you no get am, na before before the answer be Ran, the answer don change, you no know say English dey change everyday” Man said, “so if him no get am, wetin com be the answer?” I asked anxiously.
“the answer no be Ran, the answer na Raned” Man said.
Man wey dey reason!! Man wey dey reason!!
Man wey dey reason!! We made a roof raising cheer.