A Facebook friend by Kosi Ugo | Very Funny Short Story

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A Facebook friend

A Facebook friend.

Female.

After driving me around like a keke napep hustling to meet its daily target, she finally agreed to come to my place.

I was very excited when I got the text;

“Koko, I’d be coming over to your place after lectures”

See me.

I had lectures, but I stayed back at home so I could prepare well for her visit.

I made Monday my Saturday; did a thorough cleanup and washed everything washable in my room.

My generator was faulty, so I went to my neighbor to ask him to lend me his for the afternoon.

I filled the tank and even left some extra, just in case.

I went to the market and bought some carrots, green peppers and fresh peppers; I planned on preparing a special noodles recipe just for her.

I opened my browser and searched “download old blues”.

A lot of names popped up.

And I downloaded songs by Lionel Richie, Phil Collins, Adam Bryan and Stevie Wonders.

I planned on putting the whole atmosphere in a very cool mood with my sound system.

I also downloaded Run Mad by Terry G in case the going went rough.

I rushed to the pharmacy to buy Durex condoms, skin tight; yes, I planned on renewing my virginity that day if she was willing.

Chai! If Jesus Christ had come that day, I’d have followed him, because I was fully prepared and ready.

At exactly 1:30 pm, my phone rang.

She told me she was done with lectures and asked for my address.

I gave her my address and told her my room number.

I didn’t want to come down to pick her, before these useless boys start hailing me “Chairman! Chairman!”

At exactly 2:10 pm, I heard a soft knock on my door.

I quickly rushed to my cupboard to wear my deodorant one last time, went back to the bed and said “Come in” in a deep baritone pitch.

And in they came.

Oluchi first.

A girl.

Another girl.

And a guy who came in last.

I laid in my bed surprised.

“What the hell could be going on?” I wondered.

“Calvary greetings to you, brother Kosi,” Oluchi said as she introduced the people she came with.

“Brother Kosi, these are my church members, Sister Grace, Sister Chioma and Brother Nicholas. We are on a door-to-door outreach program and I said what better way to start an outreach, if not with Brother Kosi, the facebook celebrity himself.”

I lay motionless.

Too shocked to say anything, save for a “You’re welcome”

And right there, they began.

They talked about Jesus Christ and salvation.

For a whooping 1 hour!

My generator was on. Fuel was wasting.

But I still had hope.

Maybe, just maybe, she would stay back when the rest of the intruders took their leave.

So, I smiled and nodded my head in agreement with whatever it is they were saying.

I didn’t want to be a bad host, so I went to the kitchen and divided the noodles I cooked equally for the four of them.

Went to my fridge and brought out the one litre coke I bought and also shared it for the four of them.

“Brother Kosi, it looks like you were already expecting us ooo.” They said, as they ate.

“Yeah, right. I was expecting y’all indeed. If you don’t do and leave this my house, that food will turn to poison,” I said in my mind.

The food I gave them was a mistake, because it seemed it gave them more energy to talk about Jesus the more. 1 hour turned to 3 hours.

Finally, they asked if I wanted to give my life to Christ.

I told them I will think about it and get back to them.

“Get out of my bloody house!” I shouted, but only in my mind.

And they started taking their leave.

Brother Nicholas first, followed by Sister Grace, then sister Chioma…

I almost drew Oluchi’s shirt back when she too told me she was taking her leave.

But, I kept my calm and bade all of them goodbye, though I sincerely wished deep down that Okada would jam all of them one by one.

They finally left.

I still laid on my bed as I thought about my missed lectures, my wasted petrol, my garnished noodles that I didn’t even get to taste…

I picked up my phone and dialed EFCC’s hotline.

“Hello, I’ll like to report a case of theft, broad daylight robbery and financial recklessness and misconception” I told the lady on the other end.

©Kosi Ugo

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