Man Wey Dey Reason Episode 55 – Flow1759
“Man you bad oh, see as you use your Taley stop that fight wey Papa Ejima and Haruna dey fight that day, guy you get sense no be small” I said to Man two days later.
I was beginning to Love Man, no g’.ayism pls. He could be best described as my brother from another Mother. He had done it all, he had seen it all, and he had also said it all. What more can i say, he was numero uno in all and Sundry. At 24 he had done what a 94years old had not done.
“i just want make them stop the fight nahim make me dey laugh as that bottle land for my head” Man replied.
“but guy i think say you don mad oh, i swear” I said.
“how i go mad?” He answered.
“ehen! wetin you say you score for JAMB sef?” Brainbox asked Man.
“oboy i score 600 oh” He answered.
“ehennn! this your big head nahim you use write JAMB com score 600 out of 400? That means say JAMB dey owe you 200” Brainbox tapped Man on the head.
“guy no ever slap my head again, unless you wan turn to Lizard” Man warned.
“which one be say if person slap you small for head him go turn to Lizard na? Abi your head na Gold?” I queried.
His head really shone like Gold. It was Pure Gold and Egg-shaped. Walking with him, one wouldn’t need to look for a mirror, his head was mirror. Walking with him, one wouldn’t need to also look for a Map, his head was Map of the World.
Man was really scaring me like a wild animal by the day. I saw him as a devil incanate. To make matters worse, he wore a new bald look.
My people make una imagine say person wey him skin black like back of Pot com go barb Afarikorodo style, and that same person na Talley Master, shey you no go dream bad dream if you sleep near the person for night?
So i promised myself i wouldn’t sleep by the side of Man no matter what. It was better i slept outside the room than for me to sleep by the side of a Lord Spiritual.
“I don tell you oh, if you slap my head again, anything wey happen to you, take am like that oh” Man warned.
“okay we don hear, wetin you get for JAMB na?” Tupac asked.
“na my JAMB result be this” He brought out a sheet of paper from his pocket and handed it over to Tupac.
“wetin be him score?” I curiously asked.
Tupac smiled and said; “him score na two ninety”. I thought i heard ninety, so i started laughing.
“why you dey laugh na? No be better result?” Man asked.
“you get 90 out of 400 and you dey ask me whether na better result, e be like say you get malaria oh” I said with all the part of my body laughing.
“na your Papa nahim get 90, no be me” He cursed.
“my Papa no write JAMB na” I answered.
“no be 90 you get?” I queried.
“Flow no be 90 him get oh, na 290” Tupac corrected me.
“okay 290, i think say na 90 you talk oh” I said.
“Flow so your prayer na make i get 90 for JAMB abi? you no want my progress, You be my enemy ba?” Man mentioned.
“no na, i no hear wetin Tupac talk well, how i go be your enemy” I said.
How would i find enemity in no one else but Man. Man the “Dibia”. Unless of course i would love to see how life is in the animal world of a Lizard.
Dibia is not referring to a short form of the Surname of the Nigerian Musician Tuface Idibia. What the Yorubas call Babalawo is what the Ibos call Dibia.
“guy you try oh, which school you choose sef?” Bigie asked.
“na FUTO oh” Man answered.
“FUTO na my former school na, me and Tupac rugged that school no be small” Bigie said.
“try make you play Egede oh, na the Game wey we play that time wey we dey there” Tupac advised.
Egede here is not referring to “plaintain” which is “Ogede” in Yoruba language. It is the name members call themselves. What i so loved about members was how they start a conversation when they call themselves on phone, they replace saying “Hello!!” with saying “Egede melody!!”.
“how i go join cult, i dey craze?” Man said.
I was sure he wouldn’t join a cult, he would own a cult. With his Talley talent, he could easily get followers. Or so i tot.
“i wan do all of una well oh” Tupac announced.
He never meant he wanted to dig us a Well, he meant he wanted to buy us food. That was the slang He and Bigie manufactured.
“you be correct man, i dey hungry well well sef” Brainbox said.
“Brainbox you be Natty, you too like food” I said.
Natty isn’t a short form for the name of the American musician Nate Dog(of blessed memory), it was gotten from the name of the award winning glutton Natty in the comedy soap opera; “The Masquerade” featuring Chief Zebrudia.
“make we go chop for Obele eatery na” Man made it sounded like Obele canteen was as beautiful as Crunchies Owerri. Or like it was a Chinese restaurant.
“where be Obele eatery?” Tupac asked.
“when we reach there you go know” was Man’s answer.
Obele looked shorter to me as we arrived. I measured that my knee was a bit below his shoulder.
As we sat, i was wondering the amount of food that would fill our tanks, maybe a pyramid of Noodles would do.
“Obele give us Indomie and fried Egg, and Bread and Custard” Guess who ordered for that? Man!! Man wey dey reason out food.
“abi una no go like chop Hamburger and S’.perm?” He added.
“which one be Hamburger and S’.perm again?” asked Bigie.
“Hamburger na when you open your Agege Bread, com put Indomie and Fried Egg inside, com close am” Man explained.
“S’.perm na Custard wey them put plenty powder Milk inside” He further explained.
“na wetin me and my friends dey call am that time wey i dey Sok town” He added.
Man was a man of so many code names, nicknames, and guynames. He could give Kulikuli and Garri a palatable name that would make it sound like a continental dish.
Don’t try checking up “guyname”, you wouldn’t find a word like that in the English dictionary. Unless of course you check it up in an Oxford Advanced learner’s Pidgin dictionary. “Guyname” is a pidgin word that is said to refer to a funny name given to a Noun.
A Noun is the name of a person, animal, place or thing. Abi you no go primary school?
That means “Obj” is the guyname of Chief Olusegun Obasanjo, “GEJ” is the guyname of Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, and “High Tension” was the former guyname of Eke Ugochukwu Peter.
“Obele na powder Milk you go put for the Custard oh, and you no go let the Egg over fry oh” Man ordered.
“Flow i go need that memory card wey i give you that day, i don buy another phone” Tupac said.
“guy make i tell you true oh, i no see the memory card again, e don lost” I said expecting him to yell or bark at me, or both.
“you don jonz oh, memory card wey that B’.itches over B’.itches video dey nahim you go lost” He said.
Jonz is not the name of a French Footballer, it sometimes means someone has messed up, and it sometimes means someone is being s’.tupid, it depends on the statement it is used.
“and we for use that video chop more money from Mama Ejima oh” Man said.
“no worry, you know wetin dem dey write for the end of film wey be part one na” I said.
“wetin?” Brainbox asked.
“them go write WATCH OUT FOR PART TWO” I said and they all laughed.
I was sure there would be a part two to the movie B’.itches over B’.itches. Or so i tot.
Hamburger and S’.perm was served after i had Salivated so much. The Custard really looked like S’.perm, but the Noodles, fried Egg and Bread was not yet Hamburger, unless they go through the “combination” process Man explained.
We all watched keenly as Man divided his Bread into two almost equal halves, took almost half of his Egg and several spoons of his Noodles, placed them carefully on one half of the Bread, and said; “as e don dey like this, the next thing na to clap your hand”.
“which one be clap your hand again na?” Tupac asked.
“see wetin be clap your hand here” He replied, as he placed the other half of the Bread on the half with the Noodles and Fried Egg, he did that with so much dexterity.
That was really a “clap” that gave life to a Hamburger. Man’s Hamburger.
“Man how you take sabi to do Hamburger? e make sense oh” Brainbox said after we had all clapped out our Hamburgers.
“you no know say i don do Mai shai that time wey i dey Sok Town” He answered.
Mai shai is not a Korean name, neither is it the name of a place in China, it is what Hausas call someone that prepares Tea(not Tramadol oh!) for commercial consumption. Noodles, Fried Egg and S’.perm or rather Custard is always in the Menu of most Mai shai(Hausa people, i spell am well abi?).
Hamburger and S’.perm was really an unending meal, i couldn’t finish it, the more i ate the more it multiplied, i was practically pleading with the food to finish. That day was the first day in a long while that i left a delicious meal unfinished.
“Remnant” was a word that could not be found in my dictionary, and would never be.
I was a perfect description of the Ibo saying; “kàmá ó gà dó n’ité, ká ó dóró nà àfò”.
I no go interpret that one oh!! Ask the next Ibo person you see.
Instead of the food to be saved in the Pot, let it be saved in the Stomach. Na wetin e mean.
“my electric socket is no more working, pls one of you should come and help me fix it” Kate said to those that sat under the Mango tree the next morning, amongst them was the ever cheerful Flow.
“Flow shebi na Physics you study for University?” Man inquired.
“yes na, i studied Physics and i graduated with first class” I said to Kate’s hearing, make she know say i no be “O-O” when i dey school.
O-0 is not the scores in a table tennis match, it is what is said to refer to someone that is an Olodo, someone that came to pass time in school, a person that is not studious. O-O is an acronym for “Ogbu Oge” in Ibo. And Ogbu Oge literally means a Lazy person.
“since you graduate with first class, go help her repair her socket na” Brainbox said.
“i just dey shine for Kate una no know, how i go graduate with first class for Physics? I wan run mad?” I nearly said.
True talk. It was almost impossible to graduate with a first class in Physics in my school, since time immemorial only one student had achieved the feat. I saw Physics as the hardest course in the whole wide World. The course was for mad men.
Little wonder a lecturer in our department then told us he wasn’t normal, that he was mad, and that everybody that studied Physics in one way or the other was mad.
Sorry to say, he meant Schrodinger was mad, Isaac Newton was “madder”, Herbert Einstein was “maddest”. Maybe the vehicle of madness drove these great “Maddist” or rather Physicist to their graves, or maybe not.
Kate’s room was a convention female room; make-up kit here and there, about a million shoes, pyramid of dirty clothes, unkept wardrobe, lack of cross ventillation, ecetera.
Even if i was blind, i would know i was in a female room because of the smell, it really smelled nice.
“here is the screw driver” Kate offered, as i tried to pray my d’ick down after it stood up immediately i saw two G’-strings dangling at her wardrobe directly above my head. I did my possible best for her not to see my “screw driver” as it stood while she offered me the screw driver.
The aroma of the fried Chicken i was percieving gave me the strength i needed to unscrew the nut of the socket.
“i go chop chicken oh” I nearly said.
As i opened the socket, i discovered that it was burnt, and i informed her.
“how much will it cost me to get a new one?” She asked.
“five thousand naira” my tongue slipped.
“five thousand naira is too much for an ordinary socket na” She said.
“sorry! ehnnnnn! I mean five hundred naira” i stammered.
Why i was saying crap at that moment was because i saw her tied a Towel round her s’exy body, it seemed she wanted to go take her bath.
At that moment, my screw driver started screwing it’s way out of my boxers heading to my trouser.
“the original of it is one thousand naira, while the fake is five hundred naira” I informed.
“i will go for the original” She said.
“here is the money, use the rest for transport” She offered me 1500naira.
“i don play this one wayo, socket wey i go buy 300naira nahim i tell her say na 1k” I said to myself.
“why don’t you couple back the spoilt one for now, when you buy the new one you will remove it” She suggested.
“i will” I said, but my eyes were on her a’.ss as she walked to the bathroom.
“if you are through, pls help me close the door” She said as she walked into the bathroom.
I thought she was referring to the bathroom door, so i said, “i will gladly do so”.
When i knew she wasn’t referring to the bathroom door was when she shut it.
I thought of “Flatscreening” but there was no pinhole.
I had totally forgotten i had exposed the n’.aked wires, and without looking, i placed my hand on them.
The shock wasn’t child’s play, my whole body shook unevenly.
Suddenly, something landed on my head, something like a rope.
I removed the “crown” on my head, and saw that it was one of the G’-strings that was initially dangling above my head, the blue one to be precise.
I had seen G’-strings on Tv, but that was the first day i saw it in reality.
“this thing really be like Catapult oh” I said within, as i held the Catapult or rather G’-string with my left hand.
“how this thing go take enter Kate sef, e too small na” I thought i said that within, not knowing i said it out.
“Flow! Who are you talking to?” Kate asked from the bathroom.
“Catapult!!” I mistakenly responded.
“who is Catapult?” She asked.
“Catapult is the make of the socket, i am just saying it so i wouldn’t forget the make and buy another make” I lied.
As i tried raising my hand to hang the Catapult or rather G’-string back to where it fell from, i mistakenly touched the n’.aked wires again, this time i felt heavy breeze blew me to the ground.
“Flow! What is the problem!” Kate was shocked at the noise my falling made.
“nothing, i saw a Cockroach” I answered.