Man Wey Dey Reason Episode 54 – Flow1759
“make we enter Ilya du Neked wire na, e don tay wey i drink Pammy oh” Man said in the evening of the next day as we sat at Big boys cutz.
“i go follow una go drink oh” Brainbox said.
“na which leg you go use waka go? Abi you go enter Aeroplane go?” I said.
“Una go carry me for back go na” Brainbox said.
“who go carry you for back?” I needed to know.
“na you na” He answered.
“me? Carry you? Make i carry you for back make people think say i wan use you go do sacrifice, abi you no know say you resemble wetin them wan use do sacrifice” I said what made customers at Big boys cutz laughed.
Brainbox looked not like a sacrificial Lamb but like a sacrificial Goat. With Plaster of Paris on his swollen leg and Bandage tied around his broken wrist, he looked like a survivor of a plane crash.
“next time if you see gym you go run” Man said.
“no mind Brainbox, make we dey go drink jor” Tupac said.
We had barely taken Seven steps when we saw a Toyota spider car drove into our compound.
The two persons i saw in the car were Tochi and his elder sister Kate.
“so this Tochi get motor?” I asked.
“him get na, you no know say him be Yahoo boy” Bigie answered.
“so this kin small boy get motor, nawa oh” I said.
“Tochi no be small boy oh, him just get baby face” Bigie stated.
“abeg make we hear word, the boy na small boy jor” Tupac said almost immediately.
“no dey talk wetin, you no know abeg, i know the guy pass you, i say him no be small boy” Bigie attacked.
“boy wey no fit pass 22years nahim you say no be small boy, you no get sense oh” Tupac raised his voice.
“na you no get sense, i dey tell you about person wey i know you dey talk r’ubbish” they were arguing. Just like they always argued about their late role models; Lasane Paris Crooks and Cristopher Wallace.
To me, Tochi was a “small boy”.
If him be small boy, why you com dey fear am? You would ask.
Why i no go fear am, he was a cultist for pity’s sake.
You nkor you no be cultist? You would further ask.
I was a retired Cultist, while he was a point 1 of Buccaneer.
Him no be man like you? You would still further ask.
Him no be one man oh, only him na “mans”.
Oo Yes, “mans” is the plural of “man”. Oyibo people go just dey decieve us, if the plural of “mango” is not “mengo”, then why wouldn’t the plural of “man” be “mans”.
On a more serious note, one could hardly find Tochi alone without atleast two “mans” with him, because he was a cult leader.
If i was to Luckily find him alone without his “mans”, i would surely beat the hell out of him like his elder i was. After beating Tochi the Leader of Buccaneer, the next and best thing for me to do would be to pack my bags and leave Owerri, or better still leave Nigeria, infact leave the World, because Buccaneer Confraternity is a Worldwide cult. So many “mans” worldwide would surely chase me to Planet Mars.
“wetin i know be say Tochi na small boy” They were still arguing.
“make una stop to dey drag jor, una never hear tori for town” I brought the argument to a stop.
The word “drag” isn’t a mistake, it is the Pidgin interpretation of the English word “argue”.
“wetin be the tori?” Bigie curiously asked.
“Police don arrest Chief Livinus” I announced.
“why dem arrest am na?” Tupac asked.
“dem say na him send dem Ade make dem kill Chief Ogbonna” Man said.
“ehennn! Why him kill am na?” Bigie inquired.
“him and Chief Ogbonna wan contest for Local government Chairman election, and him know say Chief Ogbonna go win the election nahim make him kill am” I told the story. I told it how i heard it, without missing words.
“nawa oh! People wicked oh! But who tell una this things sef?” Tupac asked.
“na Baba jay and Snoop, you know say na them dey dey house na” Man said.
“who tell two of them sef” Bigie asked. “when you reach house make you ask them” Man answered.
We had barely drank for 2minutes at Ilya du Neked wire when i saw two Police Vans suddenly parked. My dull brain initially thought the Policemen came to drink Pammy.
Some guys ran, i tried running also, but when i needed my legs the most, it failed me.
The next place i saw myself was in one of the vans.
I wept.
I looked left, i looked right, and i saw none of my friends amongst the guys that were with me in the first van. I guessed their legs saved them, while mine failed me.
I wept bitterly like bitterleaf.
I noticed that amongst the guys in the first van, i was the only person not putting on Kegite regalia. I looked to the other van and saw that about five guys were also not putting on the regalia.
Amongst the guys not putting on Kegite regalia, i saw a familiar face, but i wasn’t seeing clearly, my eyes too were failing me.
I opened my eyes wide like the eyes of a Frog to see that the familiar face i saw was the face of my friend Man. Man wey dey reason.
I fasted for two days.
Fasting without prayers.
I broke my fast by 6pm with the Urine soaked Bread we were given.
Although the Bread smelled of Urine, it tasted nice. Maybe what i percieved wasn’t Urine but Jam.
That meant we ate Jam and Bread.
But i was sure those loaves of Bread were soaked in Urine and dried before they were given to us.
That was less a problem, the Sun stayed in the cell with us.
The cell was hot. Pipping hot.
The cell was crowded, so crowded that i could barely breathe.
That was less a problem, Mosquito chop my body like Suya.
Mosquitoes feasted on me like Bee to Nectar, they saw my skin as a Nightclub to club on.
That was less a problem, the cell smelled nice.
Fragrance of poo made the cell smelled heavenly.
That was less a problem, my back was a seat althrough. A seat for a guy named Commando.
Commando was the direct opposite of the Actor Arnold Swanchneiger(e be like say i no spell am well). He was Lanky, unkept, bushy hair, skinny, charcoal black teeth, burgundy red eyes, Elephant trunk-like Nose, Kpormor lips, Coke and Fanta skin. Thats all.
Thats not all oh, his fart was a Time bomb. It came within every 30seconds interval, and it came poco a poco.
Poco a poco means little by little. And don’t you ask me what Language it is, because me sef no know.
For two days, my back was Commando’s Cushion. Leather Cushion, because my back was gradually turning Leather.
Commando was an inmate that took leadership of the cell upon himself because he was there before us.
Why my back became his Leather Cushion was because i insulted him for stepping on me when we first came. Man supported me to insult him, so his punishment was to fan Commando the Commander.
I was his Cushion while my friend Man was his standing fan.
I woke up the third morning speaking in tongues. Not speaking in tongues because i was praying, but speaking in tongues because i was Cold. The combination of my shivering and gnashing of teeth sounded like i was speaking in tongues.
I gnashed my teeth because our release wasn’t forthcoming.
“why you dey pray? We no need noise here oh” Commando yelled at me that cold morning, i guessed that was his “good morning”.
“i no dey pray oh” I replied.
“wetin you com dey do so?” He yelled more shivers into my Lungs.
“i dey sing” I thought someone else said that. But when i knew i actually said it was when he said; “so you sabi sing sef”.
“i just dey praise God” I was saying all these without my brain, or rather with my brain shut down.
Why wouldn’t my brain shut down? When i could feel my spinal cord almost breaking to pieces.
Why wouldn’t my brain shut down? When i was dead famished.
“oh! So you dey praise God” He slapped me on my head. As he did that, i started hearing a tick-tock sound as if the World clock was in my head.
“make i no praise my God again?” I said with heavy lips.
I really needed to praise God so He would take me from “behind bars” to “in front of bars” just the way He did in the Bible to Paul and Silas, i think.
As Man continued fanning Commando, my eyes went to his fingers, what i saw shocked me. He wasn’t wearing his ring. He wasn’t wearing his magical Talley.
“so them those policemen remove Man ring and them no turn to Rat?” I asked myself.
“abi the Talley no dey work again? Why Man no disappear comot for here na? Abi them the policemen dey use Talley sef? Abi na Man remove the ring by himself? Abi Man no wan just disappear?” I asked myself uncountable questions.
I was still lost in my thoughts when i felt something penetrating into my a’.sshole. I turned and saw that it was a finger of one of the inmates. My boxers was torn and he passed his finger through the hole to my a’.sshole.
“guy stop that thing, abi you dey mad” I left where i was standing to stand elsewhere.
“but wetin tear my boxers for nyash sef?” I asked myself. The answer to that question was that i had farted about 200times since i came behind bars.
“nna mehn! Na my mess tear my boxers oh” I concluded because my boxers tore directly opposite my a’.sshole.
Why wouldn’t my fart tear my boxers? When my stomach was running because of the urine soaked bread i ate.
I continued shivering and gnashing my teeth or rather speaking in tongues, when i heard two Policemen walked to our cell and one of them said; “those boys wey be cultist, if una hear una name make una dey comot one by one” He opened the cell.
That was when it dawned on me that they arrested us because they thought we were cultist.
He mentioned Seven names, and i didn’t hear mine. He kept repeating a particular name; Ugochukwu Eke. My mind told me the name sounded familiar.
“present Oga officer!! na my name sir!!” I cried out.
As I and Man entered the compound, Mama Ejima and Kate ran into their rooms with a great speed.
“why dem this one dey run na?” I asked Man.
“when we reach house you know” He answered.
“i no blame una, that una Video still dey oh, na this jeans pocket i put the memory card wey the video dey” I dipped my hand into my pocket. To my greatest surprise, the memory card wasn’t in it.
“how this memory card take disappear na? E been dey for my pocket before police arrest me na ” I was sure of that.
“abi e fall comot when those Policemen say make we comot our cloth?” I asked myself.
It was certain Tupac would eat me for breakfast for misplacing his memory card, what wasn’t certain was whether he would eat me raw or cooked.
As i was about stepping into our room, i heard; “Flowey!! Flowey!!” it was a female voice. I initially thought what i heard was; “Flour!! Flour!!” maybe the person was calling a Flour seller.
“i never see where them dey kiri flour before oh” I said to myself. And i turned to see what a Flour seller would look like.
Kiri is not the short form for the name of the prison Kirikiri, it is the Pidgin word said to refer to someone hawking wares on his/her head. That means a Pure water hawker would be referred to as a Pure water “Kirier”, also a Beans hawker would be referred to as Beans “Kirier”.
The person i saw was too beautiful to be a Flour dealer not to talk of a Flour Kirier.
It was the ever b’.reastful Florence.
“how this one take know where i dey stay?” I asked myself, as she walked towards me, she wasn’t walking alone, she walked side by side with her two mighty b’.reast, one on her left and one on her right.
“omoh mehn! This one dey come for wrong time oh” I said within.
She really came at the wrong time. My breath was smelling like soak-away because i had not brushed my teeth for three days, my face was unkept because there was a forest of beard in it, my body was smelling like that of a He-goat, not only that, my skin looked like the skin of someone infected with Chicken pox, the marks of mosquito bites in my skin looked like i had Tatoo all over my body.
“howdy Florence!” I greeted.
“am fine, and u?” She said.
“am fine” I replied.
“am not fine oh” I nearly said.
She smiled and said; “i was calling you before you entered into the compound but you didn’t hear me”.
“why i go hear? You no know say my ear don block” I nearly said.
The kind of heavy slaps Commando landed on my head in the cell not just made me deaf, it made me dumb also.
“you are looking drop dead gorgeous” I complimented.
“thank you, you are looking good too” She said.
“Me wey just dey comot for Police station nahim you dey say i am looking good, clap for yourself” I nearly said.
“i just want to know when you will be bringing more Jewelleries, i have sold almost all the ones with me” She informed.
“am sorry i haven’t come to see you all this while, my company workers are on strike, the workers of my company are on strike over none payment of salary” I said a Big fat lie. Call me Linus Sulieman the Manufacturer of Lies.
“okay, when will you guys call off the strike na?” She fell for my lie.
“we called it off today” I said.
“okay, thats good” She said.
“so i will come see you today, i will supply you today” She caught my eyes staring at her B’.reast.
“pls give me a hug, pls, pls, pls” I nearly said.
“okay, see you in the evening” She turned to leave without giving me the much awaited hug.
Her parting frame was the direct opposite of her B’.reast, it was as flat as my Technical drawing board when i was in secondary school.
“bye bye!” I waved her.
“Flow that your babe fine oh” Tupac walked towards me.
“guy she no fine like that for my eye oh” I responded.
“you blind na” He said.
“na your Papa first blind” I cursed.
“ehennnn! Tupac you don bring another market for necklace abi?” I inquired.
“yes i don bring plenty market, fine fine ones, na yesterday i bring am” He replied.
“okay i go come after make i come take my own necklace” I said as i walked into our room.
All eyes were on me. I saw Brainbox hurriedly left were he sat to seat elsewhere.
“una wicked oh, una no see Me and Man for three days, and una no ask wetin happen to us” I angrily said.
“guy we think say una don die na” Brainbox said.
“na all of una go die, no be us” Man who just came out of the bathroom said.
“guy na true oh, Tupac and Bigie tell us say Policemen shot una gun, una com die, them the Policemen com carry una dead-body go” Baba jay said.
“we dey morn una nahim make we no open Barbing salon for two days” Snoop said.
“you no see say all of us wear black shirt?” Brainbox said.
“yeeeeeeeh! I go kill Tupac and Bigie today” I and Man yelled as we dashed out of the room.
“Bigie e no go better for your Papa? Na you go die” I grabbed his shirt firmly.
“wetin i do na?” He shouted.
“why you tell them Snoop say we don die” I queried.
“na Tupac say make we tell them like that oh, na play na” Bigie cried.
“which kin play be that? Them dey use death play?” I queried.
“God save una say i dey happy today, i for show una wetin make them dey call me Flow” I freed him.
“wetin make them dey call you Flow sef?” I asked myself.
“na because i be strong man na” I told myself.
“dey there dey decieve yourself, you no get Talley like Man, you dey say you be strong man” I heard a voice. I thought it was Bigie’s voice.
“wetin you talk? You dey curse me abi?” I yelled at him.
“i no talk anything oh? How i go curse you” He answered.
Who said that then? I asked myself. Maybe an Angel did. Angel of Talley.
Just then, i saw Man walked towards where we stood.
“so na only me stand here dey hala for Bigie since, this mumu Man no even follow me” I said within.
“but wetin we tell them na true na, una two be like people wey don die” Bigie said and ran.
“na your Papa go die” Man chased him.
“Man leave am na, no pursue am” Immediately i said that, an Iroko tree fell.
Man fell “yakata” to the ground.
Yakata is not a Chinese Name, neither is it the name of a Chinese meal, it is the word said in Pidgin to refer to someone that falls flat to the ground.
I laughed so hard that me too almost fell to the ground.
He turned, and when i saw sand all over his face, my laughter increased. He looked like Lagbaja.
The ringing of my phone brought my laughter to a stop. It was Nas calling.
He told me that second semester had started and that i needed to go register the course i was spilling over.
Before i finished recieving the call, i saw Man walking towards the gate and rubbing off his sandy face.
“Man where you dey go na?” I asked him.
“them say JAMB result don comot, make i go check my own” He answered.
“you baf so?” I needed to ask.
“i no baf, that time wey i enter bathroom, you know wetin i go do there?” Man said.
“wetin you go do there?” I was curious.
“i s’hit for toilet, pack the s’hit with my hand, com rub am for my body, i baf with s’hit” Man said smiling.
“oyibo people dey call am s’hit bath” He laughed.
“i don answer you na? As you sabi ask r’ubbish question, if i no baf e concern you?” He queried.
I asked that not to make a jest of him, but to confirm if what i had about him was true.
Baba Jay once told me that Man hardly took his bath. That the day he took his bath once a day could be regarded as his Birthday. He told me that were it not because Man worked as a Kponkponist, he would had been following his former routine of taking his bath once in two days.
That was true, since we went on Kponkpon break, i noticed he had only taken his bath twice.
Well, Man was an Aboki, partial Aboki though, and Abokis are known enemies of Sponge, Soap and Water. Show me an Aboki that is fair in complexion and i will prove to you that Queen Elizabeth of England is an Ibo woman. An ibo woman from Enugu, with her Ibo name as Elinwamma.
“guy make e be say you pass this JAMB oh, because your mate don finish University oh” Brainbox said.
“if i no pass am nkor? shey na your Papa go pay my school fees?” Man replied.
As Man walked majestically to the gate, i admired his Afarikorodo haircut from behind. What i never knew was that a bottle would be smashed on that head within seconds.
All of a sudden, we saw two people struggled into the compound like Rugby players. One of them was with a bottle, the other was with something that looked like dagger.
“i go shok you dis dagger today” That was Haruna.
“them no born you well, unless you wan die” That was Papa Ejima.
They had torn each other’s cloth, and i saw blood stains on Papa Ejima’s singlet.
They continued fighting like two puppies while I and Brainbox watched like we were watching UEFA Champions league final. Man the “good Samaritan” went to separate them.
Haruna held Papa Ejima firmly not giving him the chance to send his Killer punch to his face and send him to his untimely grave.
Papa Ejima managed to free himself and instead of sending a Killer punch to Haruna’s face, i saw him raised his hand wanting to smash the bottle he held on Haruna’s head.
The bottle wasn’t smashed on Haruna’s head but on Man’s head.
Make una come see Film trick oh! I saw no blood gushing out of Man’s head, neither did i see any wound. My eyes went straight to his thumb, Mr Talley ring seated comfortably there.
Make una see wahala oh! Person wey dem burst bottle for him head begin dey laugh oh.
I was f’.ucking scared. S’hit nearly comot for my nyash. Infact e comot.
Nna mehn!! People wey dey fight sef stop fight dey look Man as him dey laugh.
I had lost a friend to M.adness. Or so i tot.