Man Wey Dey Reason Episode 53 – Flow1759
“Pkc na the money wey we make for one week be this, how we go share am na?” Snoop said one evening.
“share it equally” Pkc said.
“we are lacking foodstuff, each of us is to contribute 1000naira for foodstuff” Pkc informed.
Baba jay handed me my share of the money we made at the barber’s shop that week, i counted it and it was 2000naira.
2000naira in just a week wasn’t a bad pay at all. Or so i tot.
“so which of you will go to the market to buy the foodstuff” Pkc asked.
“Me and Flow” Brainbox said.
“God forbid bad thing! No be me and you” I responded immediately.
“why you no want follow am go market na?” Baba jay inquired.
“i no well” I said.
“wetin dey sick you na?” Man asked.
“na malaria, i get malaria” I said. Or rather I lied.
They never knew i was doing my best possible to prevent the Ekonunwa market Mad man incident from repeating itself. Maybe the mad man might kiss me this time around.
Talking of Mad people and their troubles to the normal people, I will never forget what staring at the n’.akedness of a s’.exy mad woman did to my friend James.
James and I went to Alaba international market to buy his Dad a Radio set, on our way back, we saw this n’.aked mad woman. Not half n’.aked but stark n’.aked.
Before i knew it James was keenly watching or rather admiring the mad woman. As I saw that the t’oto of the mad woman was a Tropical rain Forest of hairs, i looked away because it was irritating.
My friend James kept admiring with his mouth ajar like it was the first time he saw a n’.aked woman, or it was the first time he saw a mad woman.
Passers by were not even looking at the mad woman, but James continued looking at her bushy t’oto even after i cautioned him.
T’oto is not the name of a beer brand, neither is it the name of an electronic make, it is the name of a Bank.
The Bank so many Guys preferred putting their Life savings in. T’oto Bank Limited(TBL) is a world wide Bank with Branches in between the legs of most Ladies(for some that likes BJ, its their mouth) is the best bank to most Men. Some owns Fixed deposit account, others owns Current account, while some others are Savings account owners. Be it as it may, T’oto Bank has being the best Bank in terms of service delivery since time Immemorial. For those that love to withdraw late at night, there is always an ATM. Some Men even went the extra mile of buying a branch of the Bank to themselves, but by and large, those Men would definately pay for the services rendered, even more than other Men that refused owning a branch.
James keenly looked at the n’.aked mad woman until an on-coming Motorcycle hit him hard.
I looked and saw that James was flying without wings. Thank God he didn’t land on the road with his head, it would had been a completely different story. And thank God he sustained little or no injuries.
But the second-hand Radio we bought landed into a gutter of running water. And water carry am go.
To own a Radio at that time is like owning a Blackberry phone now.
We got home and James turned stammerer as he narrated his ordeal in the hands of robbers to his Dad. James was an excellent manufacturer of lies.
But that day he manufactured a sub-standard lie.
That was the day i knew a knock on the head could sometimes sound like a Violin. The knock James father landed on James head affected me as i stood about 4metres away.
James had to look for money to buy his Dad another Radio set.
“okay Brainbox and Baba jay will go buy the foodstuff in the market” Pkc stated.
“shebi Opopo and Tega no sleep here last night?” Snoop asked suddenly.
“yes na, i no know where them dey go sleep oh, since Opopo buy that Jeep Tega never sleep for this house” I said.
That was true, since Opopo made it big and bought a car, Tega had refused sleeping at home.
Or were they keeping something from us? Or was it the instruction given to them by their Babalawo that they should never sleep at home? Were they planning to rob a Bank? Are the questions that time must answer.
“Man don go write JAMB abi?” Tupac asked me one Saturday morning as we sat at Big boys cutz.
“yes oh, the guy don go write JAMB oh” I answered.
Were it to be possible for Man to write the Exam with the help of his Taley, he would surely had scored 400. But Taley no dey for this one oh, especially when it had to do with the dreaded Use of English.
I so much dreaded Use of English that when i wrote JAMB, i saw my question paper as a wild animal, i was so scared of it. The sections i hated the most were the sections that had to do with pronouncing English words. You needed to see my mouth when i tried pronouncing those words, it looked more like the mouth of a Fish.
Fish! Fish!! Fish!!! I will never forget how i got the name Fishboy. No be say my Mama dey sell Fish oh, neither was my Father a Fisherman.
There was this woman that fried Fish close to my Primary school back then. Saying her fried Fish was delicious is an understatement, her fried Fish was super delicious.
She always came out in the morning to fry, and on our way to school, we always bought her fried fish to eat as we walked to school.
I was a die hard customer of Mama Ochola’s the fried fish Mama. Even if i forgot taking breakfast at home, i wouldn’t bother, as far as i was sure i would buy Mama Ochola’s fried Fish on my way to school.
Mama Ochola’s Fish wasn’t a Fish but an Elephant. Small but mighty. The more you ate, the more it increased.
Were Mama Ochola to be alive in the time of Our Lord Jesus Christ, I would had said it was her Fish that Jesus Christ multiplied to feed five thousand. But it wouldn’t had been her Son Ochola that would had offered Jesus Christ the two fishes because he was very stingy. Stingy isn’t the right word, he was a glutton.
He would steal his mother’s fishes to school and refused sharing it with us.
Thank God it wasn’t Mama Ochola’s fishes that Jesus multiplied to feed the five thousand in the Bible, were it to be her fishes, there wouldn’t had been remnant. because her fishes was capable of making one bite off his/her finger.
I had forgotten i kept my “choping money” in my school bag one morning, so i went to school without taking a dose of Mama Ochola’s fish.
For those of you “Ajebutters” and Ajebutters wannabes, Choping money is not money you use in preparing vegetable soup you eat with Eba. Choping money is the money given by Parents to their Children to buy themselves Breakfast/Lunch in school. The other day i saw my 8years old cousin crying that he wanted to take Rice and stew to school and not Rice and Beans. I Laughed so hard because i wasn’t even privileged to take Beans and Kpomor to school, not to talk of Rice and stew. Children now have Lunch boxes, then whoever brought food to school was considered from a rich home.
During break time in school, i searched my school bag properly and found the 50k.
Oh yes! I spent Kobo in my early primary years.
Since Mama Ochola’s fish joint was outside the school compound, Ochola her son who was my classmate gave me a bad advice to leave the school premises through a hole in the school fence.
I went out of the school compound through the hole that was created by Primary six boys.
The Head Master had warned that whoever is caught outside the school premises during school hours would be expelled.
With Oil from the fried Fish all over my lips, i walked majestically back to school after spending the whole 50Kobo.
Immediatelly i put my head into the hole to enter the school compound, i heard; “just enter, you are dead” it was the Gate man, i was really dead.
I was so lucky not to had been expelled, the Head master tampered Justice with mercy after i told him i went to buy fish, maybe it was because he was Ibo like me, or maybe not.
The fried Fish i ate digested instanta when i was flogged Twelve strokes of cain. That wasn’t all, i also washed the school toilets, both Male and Female, and even Staff toilet.
Since that day, the name Fishboy spread around the school like Staphylococus.
“guy make we go gym na” Brainbox suggested.
“guy as you thin like this, you wan go gym, you go fit carry gym?” I said to him.
“Forget that thing, the last time wey una go gym i no follow una?” He replied.
“no wahala, make we dey go na” I said, as I Brainbox and Tupac were off to Tony’s gym.
Had Brainbox knew what would happen in the nearest future, he would had listened to me and not gone to the gym that morning.
Tony’s gym had increased in weight. The dumb-bells had become heavier, the barbell had also become heavier. Maybe it was because it had been long since i carried them last.
Tupac carried the barbell lying on the bench with so much dexterity, while i started coiling with the dumb-bell. That was what an experienced local “gymer” like me was suppose to start with. The program for local gym Nationwide was: Coiling with dumb-bell first, then benching with barbell, and finally pull-over with barbell.
Soon Brainbox joined Tupac benching, while i continued coiling.
“Brainbox why you dey shine your teeth na, shey na your teeth dey carry the gym?” I said to Brainbox.
“guy you no know say if i shine my teeth e go give me more strength to carry the gym well well” Brainbox said.
I will never forget my friend Akputu way back then. The guy’s teeth always worked out with him whenever he was working out. Little wonder he had mighty teeth. Him smiling in the dark could scare the living daylight off someone. He was the Vampire i had seen.
Working out was his best food, little wonder he had the manly curves of someone that works out regularly. His second best food was Akpu and Okro soup. That was how he got the nickname Akputu. What a funny nickname.
It is only in the barracks that you will hear funny nicknames like: Fishboy, Akputu, Itirebor, Bros Sanu, Messosis, Kpata nla, Loud speaker, Na lie, Old age, Dog head, Captain Akamu(CA for short), Piss and Kunu(twin brothers), KuliKuli For All(KFA for short), Agama, Mangala, amongst others.
“this bench no good oh, e dey shake” Brainbox complained as he lay on the bench carrying the barbell.
“guy bone that thing, e good, no be me and you dey gym on top am? instead of you to talk say you no get power to carry, you dey talk another thing” Tupac said and smiled.
His smile reminded me of the late American rapper Tupac Amaru Shakur, he was really his look-alike; bald head, well built, six-pack, and straight nose.
Seeing Tupac’s six-pack, i counted mine, and it was still seven-pack as it had always been since i started working out in my early teenage, three packs on the left and four packs on the right. Maybe the one pack that added to make it seven was “Jara” from God.
Jara isn’t a football club by the name Jara Fc or Jara United, neither is it a Television station by the name Jara Tv, it means an extra of anything paid for that is given free of charge for the asking.
“guy you resemble Tupac wey dey sing oh” I had to say.
“Tupac na my senior brother na, i wan even write 2pac as Tattoo for my right chest, just like the type wey Tupac write for him chest the time wey him dey alive” Tupac informed.
“and them go shot you five bullet for your chest just like them shot Tupac” I nearly said.
I had finished coiling, it was time for me to bench, both of them had also finished benching, so we swapped.
What Brainbox complained about the bench was true, it was shaky.
As i benched, i prayed the bench wouldn’t destroy leaving me and the barbell to sort ourselves. And what happened in 1999 wouldn’t repeat itself.
What happened in 1999? You would ask.
June 23 1999 was Agama’s first day at the gym, which happened to be my birthday, i was giving myself a birthday work out along with my friends. Then came the lanky Agama. He ordered us to serve him the heaviest of the barbells.
We were shocked.
But because Agama was our senior, we had to obey him, we never knew working out wasn’t done by seniority but by strength.
To our surprise, Agama carried it lying on the bench and we started counting 1.2..3…4….5…..6…… And the last straw that broke the Camel’s back or rather the last straw that broke the Camel’s chest was when he tried raising it for the 7th time.
The barbell landed on his chest.
We all ran with our feet touching the back of our head.
I thought Agama had died.
When i got home, i slept from 5pm till the following morning. That kin by force sleep na.
I woke up in the morning to hear that Agama was rushed to the hospital. Who removed the barbell from his chest? Is a story for another day. What happened the next day is also a story for another day.
The barbell created an indelible mark in Agama’s chest, making him have Nine-pack.
As Brainbox and Tupac continued coiling, i supervised them, correcting them where the need be.
As i stood close to Brainbox as he coiled, i heard; “craaaaaaaaaaak!!”.
“yeeeeeeeaaaaah! Flow! Flow!! my hand don break oh!!” He cried.
He hastily dropped the dumb-bell. Guess where it landed?
His left foot.
Like what happened in 1999, i ran. Tupac also ran.
But onlike in 1999 we ran home to call the others.