So, This is Love? Episode 6 – Judith Onyoyibo
“What should I do with my life now?”. I thought out loud.
I decided to go back to my parents. I didn’t want to inconvenience my friend any further.
“You finally remembered that you have parents right?”. That was the first thing my father said to me.
This reminded me of the reason I left the house in the first place.
My parents think because they gave birth to you and feeds you, they have complete right and access over your life.
They don’t know how to correct with love neither are they patient and understanding with their children. They won’t fail to unleash the venoms that’s inside their bellies on you at any slight opportunity.
I resented going back home during holidays back then in the university.
I met Mike who made me feel at home and at peace. Then slowly, I moved in with him fully.
Now, they’ve started again. I decided not to pay attention to the side talks my parents were making.
I was battling with my mental health and holding onto dear life. I didn’t want to add their problems to it but there’s a limit to what anyone can bear.
My parents didn’t make things easier for me. They complained about literally everything I did. Neighbors even complained I was adding so much weight and if I intend getting married, I should do something about my weight.
I was losing it. My mind was unstable. All I needed was peace, serenity and tranquility. I just wanted to breathe. I wanted to wake and be glad I did.
Slowly, I degenerated from just being sad to self loathe.
“I think my parents are right about me. I am usèléss and a complete failure”.
“Who wants to be with a shapeless old woman like me?”.
“Jokes on me for wanting a man to settle for me”
“Janet, you are good for nothing”.
These thoughts kept ringing in my head. From mere echoes, the voices became louder and clearer as the day went by.
I attempted suîcide twice.
On the first attempt, I used the kitchen knife to slit my wrist. I watched as bloōd pumped out of my wrist like an endless ocean. I didn’t try to stop the bleèding. Slowly, I began to fade away. I woke in the hospital. My brother met me in the póöl of my ôwn bloød and took me there.
My parents blamed me for being suicîdàl
Two months later, I attempted it for the second time. This time, I voluntarily ran into an express road with the hope that a car would smash my hèad open and end my pointless journey on earth but miraculously, nothing happened to me. A good Samaritan took me home. I pleaded with him not to tell my parents about what happened. He told me his name was John. Through out our journey home, he kept preaching to me.
Few months later, I decided to start my life afresh in Lagos State. With the help of an agent, I got a small apartment in Ikorodu. The house was not well furnished but I was determined to give life a second chance there.
I got a semicolon tattood on my wrist to serve as a reminder that I am a survivor.
I applied for several jobs till I got a job as a secretary at one company. The pay wasn’t really great but I took the job anyways.
I was began to get my life together. I lived one day at a time. No pressure, no stress. I was far away from friends and families. I was finally having a breath of fresh air or so I thought.
One morning, I woke up early and prepared for work. I left the house before 7:00am. Unfortunately, I was caught up in a terrible traffic which lasted for over 2hrs.
I got to the office by after 9.
“You are very stupid to think you can come to work by this time. Be good at your job, you said no! Come to work early, you said no! What is actually your usefulness to me? Come to work a minute late next time and kiss the job goodbye. Fool!”. My Boss lambasted me heavily.
I couldn’t concentrate at work that day. Past thoughts started coming back.
“Am I really stupid and clumsy? What if I am actually góôd for nothing?”.
My depression resurfaced. I couldn’t sleep for days.
I read online where someone said she smokes wééd because of insomnia and since then, she has been sleeping fine.
I decided to try it out.
You know smokers are rampant in Ikorodu. It wasn’t hard for me to get one.
At the first puff, I coughed nonstop. I almost choked to death. I wanted to throw It away but decided to try it again.
At the second puff, I coughed but it wasn’t as severe as the first one.
I tried it for the 3rd, 4th and 5th time till I stopped coughing.
I started enjoying it. Each smoke I inhale does something to me. It makes me calm and collected. Each smoke I exhale takes out negativities, bitterness and pain.
I loved how it made me feel.
It didn’t take up to one month till I got addicted to it.
It became my evening routine till I made it my morning routine as well.
I spent all my money on it till I went broke and couldn’t afford one.
I almost ran mad. I pleaded with the seller to sell for me on credit till I receive my salary but he vehemently refused.
“You go allow me chop you before I go release smokes for you. Na trade and barter. Back for ground, smokes for hand. You smile, I smile”. He said.
“God forbid”. I rebuked him.
I went back home.
I didn’t know how I found myself on his bed the next day.
That was how I started exchanging my body for smokes.
It went on for a month till the seller got tired of me and refused our trade by barter.
“What to do?”.
I resorted to sleeping with men for money. I started making small small money.
“Why should I continue working as a secretary?”.
I resigned from my job as a secretary.
From local prostitution, I upgraded to doing hook ups. There’s an app where we get hooked up with potential clients.
To be continued
